《不差錢》英文版臺詞

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　　Got the Money Anyway(A Comic Piece for the CCTV Spring Festival Gala 2009)
　　Play script by Cui Kai et al.

　　Characters
　　Uncle Zhao, acted by Zhao Benshan
　　Shenyang, acted by Shen He
　　CCTV Man, acted by Bi Fujian
　　Yadar, acted by Wang Jinfeng (Mao Mao)

　　小品：“不差錢”
　?。?009年中央電視臺春節聯歡晚會節目）
　　編創者崔凱等
　　表演者趙本山、沈鶴、畢福劍、王金鳳（毛毛）

　?。ㄎ枧_上是一個餐廳的背景，寫著：“蘇格蘭情調”。本山大叔穿著中山裝，身上背著一串蒜頭，手上拿著野雞，拉著毛毛上場。）
　　(This short play is set in a restaurant named "Scottish Taste / Feel." Uncle Zhao, in his customary Chinese tunic suit, enters, carrying a string of garlic on his back and a pheasant in hand, with his granddaughter Yadar in tow.)

　　趙本山：到了。
　　毛毛：到了。
　　趙本山：這就是鐵嶺最貴的一家飯店。這不，蘇格蘭調情（tiáo qíng）。
　　毛毛：爺爺，你念反了，蘇格蘭情調（qíng diào）。
　　趙本山：啊，情調？就擱這兒吃。
　　毛毛：爺爺，這家老貴的啦。
　　趙本山：貴？咱帶錢了，帶三萬多塊，那包呢？
　　毛毛：我沒拿包啊。
　　趙本山：裝錢那包，黃包。
　　毛毛：完了，讓我落炕上了。
　　趙本山：我說，你這孩子還能辦點事嗎？！這給你辦事，落炕上了還。兜里還有錢嗎？
　　毛毛：兜里，多少錢哪才？才70多塊錢。
　　趙本山：我還有400。行，夠了。
　　毛毛：這也不能夠啊。
　　趙本山：哎呀，夠不夠就這樣了。服務員！

　　Uncle Zhao Here we are.
　　Yadar Here we are.
　　Uncle Zhao It's the most pricy eatin' spot in Tieling: "Scottish Tease / Fool."
　　Yadar You got it wrong - Scottish taste / feel, not tease / fool.
　　Uncle Zhao All right, taste / feel. We're gonna have our meal here anyway.
　　Yadar But it's very expensive.
　　Uncle Zhao So whut? We've got the money, 30,000 yuan. Where's the bag?
　　Yadar What bag?
　　Uncle Zhao The yellow one with the money in it.
　　Yadar Oh no, I left it on the brick bed.
　　Uncle Zhao So whut can you do at all? I'm goin' t'rough all this for you and you had the nerve to forget the bag on the bed! Any money left on you?
　　Yadar Let me see... (Fumbling) only 70-plus yuan.
　　Uncle Zhao Here's 400 more.
　　Yadar Still not enough.
　　Uncle Zhao No matter. Waiter!

　?。ㄐ∩蜿柹希?br />　　小沈陽：對不起大爺，我們這是高檔酒店，不收農副產品。
　　趙本山：不是，我們是吃飯的。
　　小沈陽：媽呀，吃飯的？
　　趙本山：不像??？
　　小沈陽：不太像。
　　趙本山：我說姑娘啊，這頓飯非常重要。
　　小沈陽：媽呀，你管誰叫姑娘呢，人家是純爺們。
　　趙本山：咋這么個打扮，還穿個裙子呢。
　　小沈陽：這是按我們蘇格蘭風格來包裝的。再說也不是裙子啊，這不七分褲嗎。你看，是有腿的哦。媽呀，著急穿跑偏了。媽呀，我說走道咋沒有襠呢。
　　趙本山：行了，那條腿留明兒個穿，哈哈哈。小伙子我跟你說呀，今天我要請一位重要客人吃飯，你一定要招待好。
　　小沈陽：呃，沒問題。
　　趙本山：來來來，我問問你，你們這個酒店，如果要急頭白臉吃一頓，得多少錢？
　　小沈陽：咋還吃急眼了呢？
　　趙本山：我意思就是，最貴的都點上。
　　小沈陽：得一、兩萬的。
　　趙本山：一、兩萬？啊，那啥，有沒有這種情況，今兒個吃完了，明兒個來結賬？

　　(Shenyang, the waiter, enters.)
　　Shenyang Sorry, sir. We're of high class here. We don't take on stuff from street peddlers.
　　Uncle Zhao We're your customers. Don't we look like it?
　　Shenyang Not quite.
　　Uncle Zhao We're gonna have an important meal here, miss.
　　Shenyang Don't you call me a miss. I'm a man - from the inside out.
　　Uncle Zhao Then how c'me you wearin' a skirt?
　　Shenyang Why, it's men's wear in Scottish style. See, it's no skirt but Capri pants. Look at this, look. Oh, damn it, I didn't get into one of the trousers in a hurry. No wonder I feel different while walking.
　　Uncle Zhao Leave that trouser for tomorrow, hah! I tell you, boy, we're gonna have a damn' important guest here in a minute. You should do you' best.
　　Shenyang No problem.
　　Uncle Zhao How much does a meal cost here if we get at it like mad?
　　Shenyang Why so / What's wrong?
　　Uncle Zhao I mean if we order nothin' but the best.
　　Shenyang About 10,000 to 20,000.
　　Uncle Zhao Whut if s'mebody eats today and pays tomorrow?

　　小沈陽：打白條兒??？
　　趙本山：不是啊，不是打白條，不差錢，有錢。喏。
　　小沈陽：啥意思？
　　趙本山：小費。
　　小沈陽：媽呀，大爺你真敞亮，你太帥了。
　　趙本山：給一百塊錢還帥呢。我跟你說這不白給啊。一會兒客人到了，你一定要給足我面子，明白嗎？我到點菜的時候，你得替我兜著點。
　　小沈陽：咋兜呢？
　　趙本山：既把面子給了，但是呢又不能花得......太狠。我要點貴菜......　　
　　小沈陽：我就說沒有唄。
　　趙本山：哎呀媽呀，你太厲害了。來來來，拿點。再給你30，來。
　　小沈陽：我跟你都明碼的哦。
　　趙本山：謝謝。
　　小沈陽：放心吧。
　　毛毛：爺爺，我有點餓了。
　　趙本山：餓了？來碗面條。
　　小沈陽：呃，78一碗。
　　趙本山：啥面？這么貴。
　　小沈陽：蘇格蘭打鹵面。
　　趙本山：是不是鹵子貴？
　　小沈陽：鹵不要錢。
　　趙本山：那就來碗鹵子，先嘗嘗咸淡。快去，快去。
　　小沈陽：媽呀，沒這么上過呀。
　　趙本山：那是我沒來，我要來，你早就這么上了。去吧去吧。
　　小沈陽：這老爺子，我要說面條不要錢，要面條了你還。
　　Shenyang You'll give me an IOU?
　　Uncle Zhao Not that. I've got the money anyway. Take this.
　　Shenyang What's it?
　　Uncle Zhao A tip for you.
　　Shenyang You do understand people / things / the world, sir - you look cool!
　　Uncle Zhao Whut's a hundred yuan to me! Still, you ain't get it for nothin'. When my guest c'mes, you put on a show with me. If I order expensive food, you should stop me doin' so.
　　Shenyang Like how?
　　Uncle Zhao Showin' due respect for my guest, yes. Spendin' too much on a meal, no. Whut if I ask for somethin' dear?
　　Shenyang I'll say "sorry, this we don't have."
　　Uncle Zhao You're smart. C'me, here's another 30 yuan.
　　Shenyang I'm not gonna cheat you when it comes to prices.
　　Uncle Zhao Thank you, boy.
　　Shenyang Nothing much.
　　Yadar Grandpa, I'm hungry.
　　Uncle Zhao How much's a bowl of noodles?
　　Shenyang 78 yuan.
　　Uncle Zhao Whut noodles can be so expensive?
　　Shenyang Scottish sauced noodles.
　　Uncle Zhao Does the sauce cost much, too?
　　Shenyang It's free.
　　Uncle Zhao Get us a bowl of sauce, so we can see whether the taste's right. Quick.
　　Shenyang That's no way to serve a meal, sir.
　　Uncle Zhao You think so only becuse I didn't show up here before. Now it's time to make s'me change.
　　Shenyang (to himself) Had I said the noodles are free, he would've asked for noodles. (Exits)

　　趙本山：來，站起來。跟你說，一會兒星光大道的畢老師來了，你一定要給我爭個臉，好不？這是人生最好的一次機會，知道嗎？爺爺培養了你，都已經四十多年了。
　　毛毛：爺爺，我才多大。
　　趙本山：我還培養你爸三十多年呢。這不，你爸那是個半成品，我都給培養成文化站站長了。你一定要超過他，有決心嗎？
　　毛毛：有。
　　趙本山：表一下決心。
　　毛毛：我指定：
　　　　　　洪湖水，浪打浪，
　　　　　　長江后浪推前浪，
　　　　　　一浪更比一浪強，
　　　　　　把我爹拍在沙灘上！
　　趙本山：有志向。
　　小沈陽：哎，來了。
　　趙本山：來，先把這鹵子喝了，這孩子餓了。
　　毛毛：爺爺，有點咸了。
　　趙本山：沒事，給她整碗水去。
　　小沈陽：免費的水，不是？
　　趙本山：白開水就行。真夠摳的。

　　Uncle Zhao (to Yadar) Listen here, Yadar. When Mr. Bi from CCTV's Starlight Broadway c'mes, you must show you' best, OK? It's the best opport'nity for you' own future. Grandpa's been preparin' you over the past 40-plus years.
　　Yadar Grandpa, see how old I am now.
　　Uncle Zhao I prepared you' daddy for 30 extra years. Though he ain't good enough, he's the chief of the township's cultural center. So you really should outdo him. Can you make it or not?
　　Yadar I can.
　　Uncle Zhao Swear if you're serious.
　　Yadar The Yangtze River like the Hong waters rolls on and on,
　　Each wave behind higher than the one at the front.
　　Young people are born to challenge their elders;
　　I'll beach my daddy like... like a wrecked old ship.
　　Uncle Zhao Good for you / Well said!
　　(Shenyang enters again.)
　　Shenyang Here's the sauce for you.
　　Uncle Zhao (to Yadar) Eat this, so you won't be too hungry.
　　Yadar Grandpa, it's a bit salty.
　　Uncle Zhao (to Shenyang) Fetch her s'me water to drink.
　　Shenyang You mean free water?
　　Uncle Zhao Just plain boiled water, you miser.

　　（畢福劍上）
　　小沈陽：喲，你不是那誰嗎，你是那個......蒙住了。朱軍？！不是朱軍。白巖松？！不是。老畢......你是畢老師嗎？！
　　畢福劍：我姓畢。
　　小沈陽：哎呀我的媽呀，畢老師來了。你咋出來了呢？哎呀我的媽呀，快來人啊，畢老師，一會兒該跑了。
　　趙本山：干啥，吵吵巴火的，讓狼攆了咋的？
　　小沈陽：畢老師......
　　趙本山：我知道，這就是我要請的客人。
　　小沈陽：哎呀我的媽呀，畢老師，你給我照個相唄！
　　趙本山: 你先等一會兒。剛到是吧？
　　畢福劍：剛到，剛到。
　　趙本山：我在這兒等半天了。
　　畢福劍：你好你好。請問您是......？
　　趙本山：你找誰？
　　畢福劍：我找蓮花鄉文化站站長趙鐵柱。
　　趙本山：找對了，這就是趙鐵柱的爹，我是......
　　毛毛：趙鐵柱是我爹。
　　趙本山：我是趙鐵柱的爹。你不是找爹嗎？啊不，找就對了。
　　畢福劍：爹......不是，我找您兒子。
　　趙本山：他在鄉里等你呢。啊呀，鄉里布置得老隆重啊，鄉長、書記都在那兒排隊等你呢。布一個大廳，完事弄一個大房間，給你弄一個大照片掛中間，周圍全是花呀。
　　畢福劍：老哥，這花都什么顏色？
　　趙本山：白的、黃的都有啊。很漂亮，真的。老百姓都拿筆等著，等得都哭啊，等你呢。
　　畢福劍：哭什么？
　　趙本山：這不激動嗎，你去了。來吧，請......
　　畢福劍：咱去鄉里吧。
　　趙本山：別介，鄉里布置我，說先擱鐵嶺吃一頓，完事上那兒。你看吧。

　　(Bi Fujian, MC / anchorman of CCTV's Starlight Broadway program, enters.)
　　Shenyang Why, aren't you that one - Zhujun! Oh sorry. Bai Yansong? Oh no. Or a Bi something! Are you Mr. Bi?
　　CCTV Man I'm Bi Fujian.
　　Shenyang Come here everyone, it`s Mr. Bi here. (To CCTV Man) Why are you hanging out here, sir? Hurry up! Come here! He can go elsewhere at any minute.
　　Uncle Zhao Whut the hell's going on? Anythin' to be so fussy abut? You're being hounded by a wolf?
　　Shenyang He's Mr. Bi...
　　Uncle Zhao I know, an' he's the guest I'm honored to keep comp'ny today.
　　Shenyang Gosh, can I have a picture taken with you, Mr. Bi?
　　Uncle Zhao (to Shenyang) Wait, wait. (To CCTV Man) Welc'me, Mr. Bi.
　　CCTV Man Nice to meet you.
　　Uncle Zhao I've been waitin' all this time for you.
　　CCTV Man Thanks a lot really. May I have your name please?
　　Uncle Zhao Which man did you expect to see?
　　CCTV Man I'm looking for Zhao Tiezhu, chief of Lotus Township's cultural center.
　　Uncle Zhao You got it. Here's his daddy and I'm...
　　Yadar Zhao Tiezhu is my daddy.
　　Uncle Zhao An' I'm Tiezhu's daddy. Aren't you lookin' for a dad... I mean it's right to be looking my way.
　　CCTV Man Hi, daddy... I mean buddy. So where's your son?
　　Uncle Zhao He's at the township waitin' for you. Local government officials all lining up, too, to pay their pious respects to you. With enormous care they've prepared a great hall, a big room, with a large photo of you hung in the middle. Flowers all around.
　　CCTV Man What're the colors of the flowers, buddy?
　　Uncle Zhao They're all in white and yellow. Lots of folks' waiting for you with signature pens in hands, tears spillin' all over.
　　CCTV Man Why's that?
　　Uncle Zhao They're excited.
　　CCTV Man Let's go there, then.
　　Uncle Zhao The center asked me to feast you here in town first. How abut that?

　　畢福劍：在這兒吃飯？
　　趙本山：這是鐵嶺最貴的，你來吧。
　　畢福劍：別別，大爺，不，老哥，我在飛機上吃了。
　　趙本山：那客隨主便，好不好？給你怎么安排你就聽話，來來。
　　小沈陽：畢老師，你不給照個相嗎？畢老師。
　　畢福劍：你是男服務員？
　　小沈陽：嗯哪。
　　畢福劍：長得挺委婉的。
　　趙本山：我剛開始來就誤會了，你說哪有這打扮，哎呀媽呀。坐，剛到是吧？
　　畢福劍：剛到，剛到。
　　趙本山：咱是老鄉。
　　畢福劍：是嗎？
　　趙本山：你不是大連人嗎？
　　畢福劍：對對，大連人。
　　趙本山：你住哪兒？
　　畢福間我住大連老鱉灣。
　　趙本山：哎呀媽呀，有親戚，孩子她姥爺也在老鱉灣，也姓畢。
　　畢福劍：你姥爺叫畢什么？
　　毛毛：畢門庭。
　　畢福劍：你姥爺打麻將肯定是高手。
　　趙福劍：咋的？
　　畢福劍：閉門聽嘛。
　　趙本山：正好你叫閉門炮。

　　CCTV Man Why here?
　　Uncle Zhao Here we've got the best restaurant in Tieling. Do c'me this way please.
　　CCTV Man But I've had my meal on the plane.
　　Uncle Zhao You're my guest, so please follow my arrangements.
　　Shenyang A picture of the two of us, please.
　　CCTV Man (to Shenyang) You're... a male waiter?
　　Shenyang Yup.
　　CCTV Man You look awfully, awfully sweet, boy.
　　Uncle Zhao I, too, took him to be a woman when I first came. How funny he is dressin' up like this? Sit down here. Did you enjoy your trip?
　　CCTV Man Yes, quite.
　　Uncle Zhao We mus' be fellow townsmen.
　　CCTV Man Are we?
　　Uncle Zhao Ain`t you from Dalian?
　　CCTV Man Sure.
　　Uncle Zhao Which part?
　　CCTV Man Old Turtle Bend.
　　Uncle Zhao Where her mummy's daddy used to live, too. So we're even relatives.
　　CCTV Man (to Yadar) What`s his name?
　　Yadar Bi Menting.
　　CCTV Man Your grandpa must be good at playing mahjong.
　　Uncle Zhao Why?
　　CCTV Man The name sounds like a mahjong term.
　　Uncle Zhao That matches you' nickname "Bi Mengpao," as you're a mahjong man you'self.

　　畢福劍：我叫畢福劍。
　　趙本山：這也是的，沒準兒都......實在......哎呀，這一笑，你看看，多像你姥爺臨走那張照片。
　　毛毛：爺爺，你快看，不笑更像。
　　畢福劍：我今兒個躲不開了。
　　趙本山：孩子這一輩子，跟爺爺不行，就跟姥爺親。姥爺臨走把她哭完了?？煺J姥爺。
　　毛毛：姥爺好。
　　畢福劍：別別別，起起......。大過年的，你要來這個，我得給你壓歲錢了。
　　趙本山：不用，不用。哎呀，這家伙，來......
　　小沈陽：畢老師，你給我照個相唄。
　　趙本山：這沒吃飯呢，你先揣起來。點菜，快點。
　　小沈陽：照完再點唄。
　　趙本山：點完再照。
　　小沈陽：要跑了呢？
　　趙本山：。誰跑?。慨吚蠋煻嫉驼{來的，你別跟人這樣說。她姥爺，這都......實在親戚，你就點吧。
　　畢福劍：不不不，咱隨便吃點飯就可以了。您來，您來。
　　趙本山：現在咱家都富了，農民生活跟過去不一樣了。你就鉚勁兒吃，你說吃能吃多少錢哪。我點。
　　畢福劍：隨便來。
　　趙本山：澳洲鮑魚四只。
　　小沈陽：對不起，沒有。
　　畢福劍：算了，別點那么貴的。你往下來。
　　趙本山：四斤的龍蝦。
　　小沈陽：對不起，沒那么大的。

　　CCTV Man Just Bi Fujian.
　　Uncle Zhao Yeah, whut an... well, I'm really... (To Yadar) Look, he smiles like the last picture of you' dead grandpa.
　　Yadar Look, even more like it when he doesn't.
　　CCTV Man So I'm hopeless either way.
　　Uncle Zhao The girl's much closer to her maternal grandpa than to me. Sort of cried her heart out when he died. Say hello to you' new grandpa.
　　Yadar (kneeling down / with a kowtow) How do you do, grandpa.
　　CCTV Man Don't, please. It`s Spring Festvial now, and I should've given you some gift money.
　　Uncle Zhao Don't bother with that, sir. You're indeed...
　　Shenyang We haven`t had our picture taken, sir.
　　Uncle Zhao (to Shenyang) We haven't ordered our dishes yet. Put this damn' thing away. We'll see whut to eat first. C'me.
　　Shenyang Just one picture, please.
　　Uncle Zhao Serve the meal first.
　　Shenyang What if he runs away after the meal?
　　Uncle Zhao Who will? Mr. Bi's a modest man, coming all his way from Beijin' to give us folks a chance. Don't you say a thing like that. (To CCTV Man) I'm whut they call a "country pumpkin," my dear in-law, not really knowin' how to treat a guest. So you please order the dishes.
　　CCTV Man Don't be too polite. You do it.
　　Uncle Zhao Now we peasants have got rich, much better off than before. Eat as much as you want, it ain't gonna be a big deal anyway. Please give me the menu.
　　CCTV Man Don't be extravagant, buddy.
　　Uncle Zhao Australian abalones, four.
　　Shenyang Sorry, they're out of stock.
　　CCTV Man Too expensive anyway. Let's move on down.
　　Uncle Zhao Lobsters of 2 kilos each.
　　Shenyang Sorry, nothing that big.

　　趙本山：有多大的？
　　小沈陽：有一斤多的。
　　趙本山：一斤多的......有嗎？
　　趙本山：有......還是沒有??？
　　趙本山：這個......我跟你說，有沒有，這是你開的店呢，你還不明白？這不差錢。
　　小沈陽：哦......那沒有。
　　畢福劍：下邊我看看，魚翅就更別點了。
　　趙本山：魚翅有也別吃了，我吃魚翅有一回就卡住了，后來用饅頭噎，用醋泡，都不好使，到醫院用鑷子拿出來的。不吃那玩意兒。
　　畢福劍：他也沒有。
　　趙本山：你這酒店怎么要啥啥沒有呢？干什么玩意兒吃的？這畢老師容易來一趟？把你老板找來
　　小沈陽：沒有。
　　趙本山：你就記住一個沒有了，是不？老板。
　　小沈陽：啊，老板哪？老板出去了。
　　趙本山：上哪兒去了？
　　小沈陽：不知道。
　　趙本山：啥玩意兒呀你？你說吃啥呀？
　　畢福劍：來點兒家常便飯。民間的。
　　趙本山：民間的是吧？來民間的吧，孩子，來個小野雞燉蘑菇。
　　小沈陽：沒有。
　　趙本山：這個可以有。
　　小沈陽：這個......真沒有。

　　Uncle Zhao Whut kind do you have?
　　Shenyang Half a kilo each.
　　Uncle Zhao Somethin' you really have?
　　Shenyang Yes we do... or no?
　　Uncle Zhao C'me on, boy, it's you take care of things here. Don't you know whut you've got an' whut not? I'll ne'er shortchange you.
　　Shenyang So no, we haven't got lobsters.
　　CCTV Man Let me have a look. Even less need for ordering shark's fin.
　　Uncle Zhao I won't. Once a sharp bone in a fish got stuck in my t'roat. I tried to remove it by swallowin' lumps of rice an' softenin' it with vinegar. It didn't work, though. I was then rushed to hospital to get it picked back out with s'me tweezers. So, sharp stuff jus' won't do.
　　CCTV Man Not included on the menu, anyway.
　　Uncle Zhao This restaurant's got nothin' to serve. You've wasted you' chance to make customers happy. A disgrace to my greatest guest Mr. Bi. Where's you' boss? Get him here.
　　Shenyang No boss, sir.
　　Uncle Zhao Run out of a boss as well?
　　Shenyang Well... the boss is out.
　　Uncle Zhao Where's he?
　　Shenyang No idea.
　　Uncle Zhao Whut the hell shall we have to eat, then?
　　CCTV Man Just something homely.
　　Uncle Zhao All right, homely fare then. A lovely little pheasant boiled with mushrooms.
　　Shenyang I'm sorry, sir.
　　Uncle Zhao That's whut you can have.
　　Shenyang Something we really don't have.

　　趙本山：我給你帶來了啊，咱有。來，丫蛋，把這拿來。哎呀，多虧帶來了。
　　畢福劍：老哥......
　　趙本山：我是給你往北京帶的，現在你拿不走了，趕緊得在這兒吃了。
　　畢福劍野山雞不能吃。
　　趙本山：這是家養的。都是野蘑菇。把這個燉了，高壓鍋啊，時間長點，來。好了，這兒有一個菜了。來，笨蛋。
　　小沈陽：你說誰笨蛋？！
　　趙本山：不是，我說再點個笨雞蛋。
　　小沈陽：沒有。
　　趙本山：我有。這樣......
　　畢福劍：老哥......
　　趙本山：這雞蛋和大蔥一炒。
　　畢福劍：你怎么下一趟飯店，材料都自己備？
　　趙本山：不是，他沒有啊，問題是。給他錢都沒處找去。幾個菜了？倆了，這樣吧，給你們點機會。畢老師來一回，你們飯店表示不？
　　小沈陽：贈送一個唄。哎呀媽呀，大爺你咋這么摳呢？你說你一個沒點，完了我們還得搭一個，??？
　　趙本山：我說小伙子，咱們不是一個沒點。我點完之后，鮑魚、龍蝦你都沒有。
　　小沈陽：有沒有，你心里還沒數嗎？
　　趙本山：我有啥數，你不是說沒有嗎？
　　小沈陽：別說話了。一說萬一要有，咋整啊？
　　趙本山：你到底有沒有？這差錢還是咋的？

　　Uncle Zhao All right, serve the one we brought. Get it here, Yadar. Lucky we didn't c'me with empty hands.
　　CCTV Man No, buddy...
　　Uncle Zhao I thought you could take it back to Beijin'. As you can't, we might as well finish it up here an' now.
　　CCTV Man Pheasants are forbidden for consumption.
　　Uncle Zhao This one's grown at home. Cook the wild mushrooms, too, in a high-pressure cooker till they're th'roughly done. So far we've got one dish ready. C'me here, dumb bell.
　　Shenyang What did you say?
　　Uncle Zhao I mean plus a dumb egg.
　　Shenyang We don't have any, sir!
　　Uncle Zhao I do. All right...
　　CCTV Man Buddy...
　　Uncle Zhao Stir-fry the eggs with the green onions.
　　CCTV Man Why bother yourself with every ingredient when coming to a restaurant?
　　Uncle Zhao They've got no stuff like this here. Not even if you're willin' to pay. See, we've got two dishes in all an' that's fine! (To Shenyang) Now I'm givin' you a chance to show you're truly hospitable, with Mr. Bi here.
　　Shenyang We'll serve one dish for free. You're too mean, sir, getting us to compliment you with one dish without ordering any yourself!
　　Uncle Zhao I did place my order, boy. But whut did you have, abalones or lobsters?
　　Shenyang Is it up to me to say yes?
　　Uncle Zhao Is it up to me, then? How ridiculous!
　　Shenyang Cut it out, sir. If I say yes, who knows what'll happen next?
　　Uncle Zhao Have you got the things or not? Not that I ain't get the money.

　　小沈陽：我知道大爺不差錢。我的意思，畢老師好容易來一回，咱吃喝不能在乎錢，大爺。你看我今年歲數小，但是我總結了，人這一生其實可短暫了，有時候一想，跟睡覺是一樣一樣的。眼睛一閉，一睜，一天過去了；眼睛一閉，不睜，這輩子就過去了。
　　畢福劍：小伙子，精辟。
　　趙本山：精辟啥，他是屁精。
　　小沈陽：大爺，我沒別的意思。
　　趙本山：你啥意思？
　　小沈陽：我的意思，人不能把錢看得太重了。錢乃身外之物。人生最痛苦的事情，你知道是什么？
　　趙本山：嗯？
　　小沈陽：人死了，錢沒花了。
　　趙本山：人這一生最最痛苦的事，你知道是什么嗎？
　　小沈陽：啥呀？
　　趙本山：是人活著呢，錢沒了。不差錢，放心吧，啊。把菜好好做上。
　　小沈陽：哎，好嘞。
　　趙本山：這孩子。
　　小沈陽：這一天......這也太摳了。
　　趙本山：他姥爺，這菜呢，得做一會兒。你看看丫蛋來了，這孩子從小就是一身的藝術細菌哪。
　　畢福劍：藝......藝術細胞。
　　趙本山：給看看，能不能上你的大道。
　　畢福劍：她......
　　趙本山：才藝，那是了不得。
　　畢福劍：老哥，我弄明白了，你今天截我到這兒來，就是為了讓您孫女上我們《星光大道》。
　　趙本山：可不是嘛，它有這么個關系。
　　畢福劍：哦，那她都......會點什么？
　　趙本山：來吧，給姥爺表示表示。服務員，拿麥克。有卡拉OK的麥克嗎？拿來。站好了。

　　Shenyang This I know, sir, but with Mr. Bi here, perhaps only for once, can't you stop being so stingy? I am still young, but I see life can be so very short, it sometimes is much the same as taking a sleep. Eyes closed, eyes opened, and a whole day is over. Eyes closed but never opened again - then your whole life is over.
　　CCTV Man That`s wit! / What a master of wit!
　　Uncle Zhao Not wit, he's a waiter. / To me, he jus' stings like shit!
　　Shenyang I didn't mean to offend you, sir.
　　Uncle Zhao Then whut did you mean?
　　Shenyang One shouldn't set too much stock on money. What good can it do, really? The most scary part of it all, sir, is to die leaving your money unused.
　　Uncle Zhao Whut's more scary...
　　Shenyang Yeah?
　　Uncle Zhao ... is to be left living with you' money gone. Don't worry, boy. If you play your part well, I'll pay you well.
　　Shenyang Do as you please.
　　Uncle Zhao Go ahead.
　　Shenyang (to himself) What a day... just too stingy.
　　(Shenyang exits again.)
　　Uncle Zhao (to CCTV Man) Preparin' the dishes would take s'me time, sir. Here's Yadar, my granddaughter. They all call her Yadar. She started showin' promise to be art'ritis when very young.
　　CCTV Man You mean an artist.
　　Uncle Zhao Please test her to see whether she's good enough for you' Broadway.
　　CCTV Man Can she...
　　Uncle Zhao Whut can she do, right? No problem!
　　CCTV Man Now I see. You got me stuck here so your granddaughter can get into my program.
　　Uncle Zhao Oh yeah, that's it.
　　CCTV Man What exactly can she do?
　　Uncle Zhao Yadar, show Grandpa Bi whut you can do. Waiter, give us a mike for a Karaoke show.
　　(Shenyang enters for a third time.)
　　Uncle Zhao (to Yadar) Stand over there.

　　畢福劍：那就這樣吧，照我們的規矩來。
　　趙本山：來，你啥規矩？
　　畢福劍：來，自報家門。
　　趙本山：瞅前邊就行了，別緊張。就擱哪兒來的。說。
　　毛毛：我是來自大城市鐵嶺蓮花池水溝子的，我名字叫丫蛋。今天，我心情非常地沖動，今夜陽光明媚，今夜多云轉晴。
　　小沈陽：媽呀，報天氣預報哪？嘻嘻。
　　趙本山：你別跟她說，她說的是心情。別著急。
　　畢福劍：繼續，繼續。
　　毛毛：我心情從多云轉晴了。這是為什么呢？因為我找到我姥爺了，我姥爺太好了，他能帶我上溜光大道。
　　畢福劍：《星光大道》。
　　趙本山：《星光大道》。
　　毛毛：上《星光大道》。我非常感謝我姥爺能給我這次機會，我太感謝你了。如果你真的把我領上道兒，我就感謝你八輩祖宗，我......代表八輩祖宗感謝你。忘不了你對我的大恩大德，我這輩子也不會忘記你，我做鬼都不會放過你。
　　畢福劍：姥爺，不，她爺，怎么越聽這話，我越

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《不差錢》英文版臺詞