Outline:

    1.眼下大學生在外租房居住的現象十分普遍；

    2.對比分析在外租房居住和在學校的利弊；

    3.我的看法.

               
On College Students’ Renting House off Campus
新東方4級班Jessie同學的原版作文

    It is normal that the college students rent house off campus at present. There are many reasons they do it. Although their behavior is supported by their different ideas, I find the thing which they feel is reasonable has advantages and disadvantages, either. Now I will show them as follows:

    On one hand, I think the advantages about living off campus is we can have a very quiet circumstance to achieve our daily work. Besides, the convenience devices and life condition could make us live comfortably. On the other hand, by the way, I can list many disadvantages of leaving off college. Rarely do we have the time(only 4 years) being studied in the university, if we rent the house off campus, we will lost the golden time when we lead the vivid life span with roommates together. What is more, the parents will be worried about the students who study, and live without college’s atmosphere, and I feel we should learn in campus where has many useful information help us to study, and find a satisfactory job.

    To sum up, I think the disadvantage overweight the other one. In my opinion, the students need not to rent house off campus.
   

    濤濤對Jessie同學的作文的點評：

    這篇作文就是4級熱點話題作文。整體文章邏輯條理不錯。

    但是，美中不足的是文章中詞匯表達中有不少錯誤，例如：動詞的時態，謂語原形動詞和非謂語動詞，單詞詞性的混用，名詞的單復數等沒有很好地區分。

    至于打分，按照原始分15分為滿分的標準，我參考閱卷標準，估測這篇文章得分為：11分。

    下面，請大家細細閱讀我給4級學員的修改版。

    試做一比較：

    熱點作文話題---滔滔不絕的修改版：

2008-06-12

On College Students’ House-renting off Campus

    It is normal that an increasing number of college students rent houses off campus at present. There are many reasons for that. Although their behavior is supported by their different ideas, I find the thing which they feel is reasonable has both advantages and disadvantages。Now I will show them as follows:  

    On one hand, I maintain that the advantages of living off campus is we can have a comparatively quiet environment to fulfill our daily work better. Besides, the convenient appliances, larger living space and better living conditions could make us feel more comfortable. On the other hand, by the way, I can list many disadvantages of living outside the college.the rental fee is surely higher than that of the college dormitory.Meanwhile,Rarely do we have the time(only 4 years) to study in the university, if some students rent the house off campus, they will easily lose the golden time when they enjoy the rich and colorful life with roommates together since some house renters have very poor self-control and just indulge in playing the computer games or enjoying the happy cohabitation life. What is more, the parents will be worried about the security of them who study, and live without supervision of the college, and I strongly hold that we students should learn on campus where many useful and timely information can be easily obtained to help us study better, and lay a solid theoretical foundation of knowledge for finding a satisfactory job in the coming years upon graduation.

    To sum up, I convince that the demerits overweigh the merits in terms of living off campus. From my perspective,college students need not rent house off campus if he or she really is willing to be concentrated on the study during the limited years at college.

    本文選自新東方王繼濤老師的博客：http://blog.sina.com.cn/taotao2005128

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