hendaye，france，14 september 1927

dear dad：
親愛的爸爸：

thanks very much for your letter and forforwarding the letter to uncle tyley.i had a goodletter from him yesterday.you cannot know howbadly i feel about having caused you and mother somuch shame and suffering——but i could not writeyou about all of my and hadley's troubles even if itwere the thing to do.it takes two weeks for a letterto cross the atlantic and i have tried not totransfer all the hell i have been through to anyoneby letter.i love hadley and i love bumby——hadley and i split up——i did not desert her norwas i committing adultery with anyone.i wasliving in the apartment with bumby——lookingafter him while hadley was away on a trip and itwas when she came back from this trip that shedecided she wanted the definite divorce.we arranged everything and there was no scandal andno disgrace.our trouble had been going on for along time.it was entirely my fault and it is no one's business.i have nothing but love admirationand respect for hadley and while we are busted upi have not in any way lost bumby.he lived withme in switzerland after the divorce and he iscoming back in november and will spend thiswinter with me in the mountains.
非常感謝您的來信以及您轉來的泰萊叔叔的來信。我昨天也收到了一封他好心寫來的信。您也許不知道，我對我自己給您和母親帶來如此多的羞辱和痛苦而深感不安——但我不可能把我和哈德利之間的問題全部寫信告訴您，即使這是我應該做的事。跨越大西洋的信得走兩個星期，而且我努力不要把我所經歷過的極大痛苦通過書信轉移給任何人。我愛哈德利和本比——哈德利和我離婚了——我沒有遺棄她，也沒有與任何人通奸。我和本比住在一所公寓里——哈德利外出旅行時我照看他。正是當她旅行歸來時，她決定與我離婚。我們安排好了一切，沒有流言蜚語，也沒有恥辱。我們之間的問題已持續了很長時間。這全是我的過錯，不關別人的事。我對哈德利只有敬仰和尊重，當我們的婚姻破裂時，我無論如何不能失去本比。離婚后，我和本比居住在瑞士，他11月份將回來與我在山里度過冬季。

you are fortunate enough to have only been inlove with one woman in your life.for over a year ihad been in love with two people and had beenabsolutely faithful to hadley.when hadley decidedthat we had better get a divorce the girl with whomi was in love was in america.i had not heard fromher for almost two months.in her last letter shehad said that we must not think of each other butof hadley.you refer to“love pirates，”“personswho break up your home etc.”and you know that iam hot tempered but i know that it is easy to wishpeople in hell when you know nothing of them.ihave seen，suffered，and been through enough sothat i do not wish anyone in hell.it is because i donot want you to suffer with ideas of shame anddisgrace that i now write all this.we have not seenmuch of each other for a long time and in themeantime our lives have been going on and therehas been a year of tragedy in mine and i know youcan appreciate how difficult and almost impossibleit is for me to write about it.
您很幸運，您在一生中只愛過一個女人。在一年多的時間里，我同時愛上兩個人，但我始終完全地忠實于哈德利。當哈德利決定我們最好離婚時，我愛的那個女子正在美國。我已近兩個月沒有收到她的來信了。在她的最后一封信中，她說，我們不能只考慮彼此，而應該替哈德利考慮。您提到“愛情掠奪者”、“破壞你的家庭的人”等等，您知道我脾氣急躁，但我知道，當你不了解別人時很容易詛咒別人進地獄，而我已經目睹了、遭受了并經歷了極大的痛苦，因此我不會詛咒別人進地獄。正是因為我不希望您蒙受恥辱和不體面之苦，現在我才給您寫這一切。我們已有很長時間沒有見面了，而同時我們的生活都在繼續，悲劇發生在我的身上已有一年了，我知道您能懂得，對我來說寫出這一切有多么困難，幾乎無法表達。

after we were divorced if hadley would havewanted me i would have gone back to her.she saidthat things were better as they were and that wewere both better off.i will never stop lovinghadley nor bumby nor will i cease to look afterthem.i will never stop loving pauline pfeiffer towhom i am married.i have now responsibility toward three people instead of one.please understand this and know that it doesn't make iteasier to write about it.i do understand how hardit is for you to have to make explanations andanswer questions and not hear from me.i am arotten correspondent and it is almost impossible forme to write about my private sffairs.withoutseeking it——through the success of my books——all the profits of which i have turnedover to hadley——both in america，england，germany and the scandinavian countries——because of all this there is a great deal of talk.i payno attention to any of it and neither must you.ihave had come back to me stories people have toldabout me of every fantastic and scandalous sort——all without foundation.these sorts ofstories spring up about all writers——ball players——popular evangelists or any publicperformers.but it is through the desire to keep myown private life to myself——to give no explanations to anybody——and not to be a publicperformer personally that i have unwittingly caused you great anxiety.the only way i couldkeep my private life to myself was to keep it tomyself——and i did owe you and mother a statement on it.but i can't write about it all thetime.
我們離婚后，如果哈德利還需要我，我是會回到她身邊去的。但她說一切都好轉了，我們倆人的境況都很好。我將永遠不會停止對哈德利和本比的愛，也不會停止照料他們。我也永遠不會停止對與我結合的波琳·法伊弗的愛。我現在是對三個人而不是只對一個人負有責任，請您理解這一切，并理解我寫出這一切也很不容易。我確實明白，對您來說，不得不向別人解釋和回答提問，卻又收不到我的信，這是多么困難。我是個不會寫信的人，對我來說，把我的私事寫出來幾乎是不可能的。沒有刻意追求——由于我的作品的成功——我轉給哈德利的所有收益——包括美國、英國、德國、斯堪的納維亞半島上的國家——因為這一切，又引起了許多流言蜚語。我不在意這些閑話，您也不必在意。我已經回到了原來的自己，人們所談論的關于我的每一個虛假的、流言蜚語類的故事，都是沒有根據的。這類故事出現在每一個作家、運動員、受歡迎的福音傳道士及任何演員的身上。但由于我渴望使自己的私人生活屬于我自己，因此，我沒有對任何人解釋，我個人不愿成為演員以至于無意中給您帶來了巨大的焦慮。唯一使我的個人生活只屬于自己的辦法就是把它保留給自己——我的確應該向您和母親說明這件事，但我不能總是寫信談論它。

i know you don't like the sort of thing i writebut that is the difference in our taste and all thecritics are not fanny butcher.i know that i am notdisgracing you in my writing but rather doingsomething that some day you will be proud of.ican't do it all at once.i feel that eventually my lifewill not be a disgrace to you either.it also takes along time to unfold.
我知道您不喜歡我寫的這類作品，但這是我們的品味的不同，而且并非所有的評論家都是范妮·布徹這種人。我知道我沒有在我的作品中使您蒙受恥辱，而是做了一件將來會使您引以為自豪的事。我不可能立刻使您感到自豪。我覺得最終我的生活將不會給您帶來恥辱。這需要很長的時間才能顯示出來。

you would be so much happier and i would too if you could have confidence in me.when people ask about me，say that ernie never tells usanything about his private life or even where he isbut only writes that he is working hard.don't feelresponsible for what i write or what i do.i take theresponsibility，i make the mistakes and i take thepunishment.
如果您相信我，您會感到快樂得多，我也會感到快樂得多。當人們問起我，您就說歐尼從來不告訴我們他的個人生活，甚至不告訴我們他在哪里，而只寫信說他在努力工作。您不必為我所寫的和我所做的負責。我自己負一切責任，如果我犯了錯誤，我會接受懲罰。

愛您的，歐尼

于法國，亨戴

1927年9月14日