自官方發(fā)布劍橋11以來(lái)，不少同學(xué)都已經(jīng)發(fā)現(xiàn)，這一本真題給出的寫(xiě)作范文，不再是滿分官方范文，而是各種不同分?jǐn)?shù)段的8篇范文。所以，小站雅思學(xué)科頻道想在此提醒這位考生，大家在復(fù)習(xí)雅思的時(shí)候一定要多加分析低分的原因，這樣才能有方向地提高自己的寫(xiě)作能力。

經(jīng)典傳送：劍橋雅思3-11寫(xiě)作考官9分范文匯總傳送

劍11中評(píng)分標(biāo)準(zhǔn)仍然是四個(gè)方面，但是我們可以再直白一些地界定這些標(biāo)準(zhǔn)的內(nèi)涵并在實(shí)際寫(xiě)作中衡量自己的文章水平：

1. Task Achievement——overview+key features圖表信息概述+主要特征(小作文題目要求中明確指出：Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.)

2. Coherence and cohesion——organization組織性：分段和分句，尤其是要注意句與句之間的邏輯關(guān)系和銜接手段，這直接決定著語(yǔ)法上的句式多樣性和復(fù)雜性

3. vocabulary——詞匯：詞匯的準(zhǔn)確性對(duì)于圖表類(lèi)作文來(lái)說(shuō)難度并不大，多樣性才是值得關(guān)注的點(diǎn)

4. grammar——語(yǔ)法：語(yǔ)法的準(zhǔn)確性不僅限于一個(gè)句子之內(nèi)，包括標(biāo)點(diǎn)符號(hào)的正確與否，也會(huì)直接影響的表達(dá)效果。

以下是一篇Band 4.5的學(xué)生習(xí)作，及其修改過(guò)程，我們借以深刻理解并學(xué)會(huì)根據(jù)以上的評(píng)分標(biāo)準(zhǔn)來(lái)約束并提高自己的寫(xiě)作實(shí)力。

題目：2015年06月13日(題目本身信息難度不大)

The charts show the information about the water consumption and water residential use in Australia in 2004.

The charts include the information which represent the Australian water consumption and residential use in 2004.

The residential cost +of water is divided into two parts,》: one is +for house and another one》the other is +forapartment. The house one》The former accounted for the most part which is》was 57 percent. As for the apartment, one》itis much less than +the water use inside the house, which is only 13 percent. There are also several other fields, including industry, business, government and others. but compare with the residential use , their total cost is only a small section. others take 3 percent which is the smallest one. government is the second smallest which only occupied 6 percent. the business and industry are respectively 10 percent and 11 percent.

》》將以上句子進(jìn)行合并：

Compared with the residential water usage, several other fields consumed only a small section of water, including industry, business, government and others, the amount of which are 11%, 10%, 6% and 3% respectively.(提高句子表達(dá)效率和效果)

講解：通過(guò)本段可以看出，該生信息描述不夠準(zhǔn)確，語(yǔ)言比較重復(fù)，而且標(biāo)點(diǎn)符號(hào)錯(cuò)誤率很高。

In addition, there are five parts will have》need water consumption inside a home,》. They are bathroom, toilet, washing clothes, kitchen and garden.-->, each accounting for 28% 15% 20% 10% and 27% separately.

講解：標(biāo)點(diǎn)問(wèn)題直接引發(fā)語(yǔ)法問(wèn)題，而且對(duì)于動(dòng)詞時(shí)態(tài)的把握也有失偏頗。

全文缺少overview，所以導(dǎo)致字?jǐn)?shù)嚴(yán)重不足。

來(lái)看老師給出的參考例文：

The charts show the information about the water consumption and water residential use in Australia in 2004.——改寫(xiě)

The pie chart compares the amount of water consumed in some different areas in the year 2004 in Australia. The table shows how much water was consumed in Australian families.

It is clear that most of water was used in the domestic sector, while outdoor water use accounted for a big part.——overview

We can see from the pie chart that water exerted a big role in the local family since 70% of water was consumed indoors, with 57% in residential houses and 13% of it used in residential apartments, while然而 governments and businesses needed lots of water, at around 10% respectively.——餅圖

Although outdoor water use, such as gardening, made up approximately 30% of household use, the rest of themwas》were used in the room. 28% of water was used for shower, followed by washing clothes (20%). Toilet and kitchen seemed to consume the least water in the bar chart.——柱圖

166 words

對(duì)于題目主干信息的表達(dá)多樣性，是非常值得我們借鑒和學(xué)習(xí)的：

(1)家庭：

house——household

domestic sector

local family

(2)用水：

water consumption

water was consumed

water use

needed lots of water

water was used for shower

consume the least water

ps：雖然貌似詞匯有限，但是多樣性表達(dá)還是真真切切地做到了。此外，“使用”還可以表達(dá)為“utilise”或“utilisation”

該例文可以達(dá)到8 分水平：

(1)文章內(nèi)容健全。

(2)組織合理：段落分布清晰，句子連接緊密而且邏輯自然通順;

(3)單詞充足且基本準(zhǔn)確，但是局部單詞使用不夠精準(zhǔn)，比如第二個(gè)圖不能同table來(lái)表示，用bar或者column更加準(zhǔn)確;

(4)語(yǔ)法方面，the rest of them was顯然主謂不一致，應(yīng)該改成were，但是這些問(wèn)題并不影響理解。

(考試狀態(tài)下如果能發(fā)揮到這種程度，小作文也就沒(méi)有遺憾了。)

后續(xù)老師會(huì)針對(duì)劍11所給出的范文及考官評(píng)語(yǔ)，發(fā)布相應(yīng)的解析，希望關(guān)注各位烤鴨，繼續(xù)跟蹤該系列文章，早日拿到理想成績(jī)。

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