Steamboat Mountain is a man-killer， and truckers who haul1） the Alaska Highway treat it with respect， particularly in the winter. The road curves and twists over the mountain and sheer cliffs drop away sharply from the icy road. Countless trucks and truckers have been lost there and many more will follow their last tracks.

　　On one trip up the highway， I came upon the Royal Canadian Mounted Police and several wreckers winching the remains of a semi2） up the steep cliff. I parked my rig and went over to the quiet group of truckers who were watching the wreckage3） slowly come into sight.

　　One of the Mounties walked over to us and spoke quietly.

　　"I'm sorry， "he said， "the trucker was dead when we found him. He must have gone over the side two days ago when we had a bad snowstorm. There weren't many trucks. It was just a fluke4） that we noticed the sun shining off some chrome5）。 "

　　He shook his head slowly and reached into his pocket.

　　"Here， maybe you guys should read this. I guess he lived for a couple of hours until the cold got to him. "

　　I' d never seen tears in a cop's eyes before――I always figured they'd seen so much death and despair they were immune to it， but he wiped tears as he handed me the letter. As I read it， I began to weep. Each driver silently read the words， then quietly walked back to his rig. The words were burned into my memory and now， years later， that letter is still vivid as if I were holding it before me. I want to share that letter with you and your families.

　　December， 1974

　　My Darling Wife，

　　This is a letter that no man ever wants to write， but I' m lucky enough to have some time to say what I've forgotten to say so many times. I love you， sweetheart.

　　You used to kid me that I loved the truck more than you because I spent more time with her. I do love this piece of iron――she's been good to me. She's seen me through tough times and tough places. I could always count on her in a long haul and she was speedy in the stretches. She never let me down.

　　But you want to know something？I love you for the same reasons. You've seen me through the tough times and places， too.

　　Remember the first truck？That run-down 'old corn-binder' that kept us broke all the time but always made just enough money to keep us eating？You went out and got a job so that we could pay the rent and the bills. Every cent I made went into the truck while your money kept us in food with a roof over our heads.

　　I remember that I complained about the truck， but I don't remember you ever complaining when you came home tired from work and I asked you for money to go on the road again. If you did complain， I guess I didn't hear you. I was too wrapped up with my problems to think of yours.

　　I think now of all the things you gave up for me. The clothes， the holidays， the parties， the friends. You never complained and somehow I never remembered to thank you for being you.

　　When I sat having coffee with the boys， I always talked about my truck， my payments. I guess I forgot you were my partner even if you weren't in the cab with me. It was your sacrifices6） and determination as much as mine that finally got the new truck.

　　I was so proud of that truck I was bursting. I was proud of you too， but I never told you that. I took it for granted you knew， but if I had spent as much time talking with you as I did polishing chrome， perhaps I would have.

　　In all the years I've pounded the pavement7）， I always knew your prayers rode with me. But this time they weren't enough.

　　I'm hurt and it's bad. I've made my last mile and I want to say the things that should have been said so many times before. The things that were forgotten because I was too concerned about the truck and the job.

　　I'm thinking about the missed anniversaries and birthdays. The school plays and hockey7） games that you went to alone because I was on the road.

　　I'm thinking about the lonely nights you spent alone， wondering where I was and how things were going. I' m thinking of all the times I thought of calling you just to say hello and somehow didn't get around to. I'm thinking of the peace of mind I had knowing that you were at home with the kids， waiting for me.

　　The family dinners where you spent all your time telling your folks why I couldn't make it. I was busy changing oil；I was busy looking for parts；I was sleeping because I was leaving early the next morning. There was always a reason， but somehow they don't seem very important to me right now.

　　When we were married， you didn't know how to change a light bulb. Within a couple of years， you were fixing the furnace8） during a blizzard while I was waiting for a load in Florida. You became a pretty good mechanic， helping me with repairs， and I was mighty proud of you when you jumped into the cab and backed up over the rose bushes.

　　I was proud of you when I pulled into the yard and saw you sleeping in the car waiting for me. Whether it was two in the morning or two in the afternoon you always looked like a movie star to me. You' re beautiful， you know. I guess I haven' t told you that lately， but you are.

　　I made lots of mistakes in my life， but if I only ever made one good decision， it was when I asked you to marry me. You never could understand what it was that kept me trucking. I couldn't either， but it was my way of life and you stuck with me. Good times， bad times， you were always there. I love you， sweetheart， and I love the kids.

　　My body hurts but my heart hurts even m ore. You won't be here when I end this trip. For the first time since we've been together， I'm really alone and it scares me. I need you so badly， and I know it's too late.

　　It's funny I guess， but what I have now is the truck. This damned truck that ruled our lives for so long. This twisted hunk of steel that I lived in and with for so many years. But it can't return my love. Only you can do that.

　　You' re a thousand miles away but I feel you here with me. I can see your face and feel your love and I 'm scared to make the final run alone.

　　Tell the kids that I love them very much and don't let the boys drive any truck for a living.

　　I guess that's about it， honey. My God， but I love you very much. Take care of yourself and always remember that I loved you more than anything in life. I just forgot to tell you.

　　I love you，

　　Bill

　　by Rud Kendall

　　長途貨車司機的臨終遺言

　　斯廷博特山地勢險惡， 行駛在阿拉斯加公路上的長途貨車司機無不對它敬畏有加， 冬季尤為如此。山路崎嶇回轉， 千丈懸崖緊挨著冰封的公路， 無數貨車連人帶車翻下山去， 又不斷會有人重蹈覆轍。

　　有一次， 我驅車行駛在那條公路上時遇見皇家加拿大騎警隊， 幾輛救援車正從懸崖下吊起一臺半掛車的殘骸。我停下車， 走向默默看著失事車輛緩緩上升的過路司機們。

　　一名騎警朝我們走來， 低聲說道："很遺憾， 我們發現司機的時候， 他已經死了。兩天前這里有一場暴風雪， 他必是那個時候翻下懸崖的。當時路上沒有多少車經過。我們也是偶然看見鍍鉻殘骸反射太陽光才發現的。"

　　那騎警慢慢地搖了搖頭， 把手伸進了衣袋。

　　"這個， 也許你們該看看這封信。我估計在凍死之前他活了一兩個鐘頭。"

　　我以前從沒見過警察哭。我總認為他們對死亡和絕望已經司空見慣， 早就麻木， 但是他把信遞給我時， 抬手抹了抹眼淚。我讀著讀著， 淚水奪眶而出。司機們挨個兒看起信來， 讀完便一聲不響地回到自己車上。信上的話深深印在我的記憶中， 直至幾年后的今天還是那么清晰， 好似那封信就在我眼前。我想與你們和你們的家人一同分享這難忘的臨終遺言。

　　1974年12月

　　我親愛的妻子：

　　這是封誰都不愿意寫的信， 但是我慶幸還有些時間來得及告訴你多少次都忘了說的一些話。親愛的， 我愛你。

　　你總是跟我開玩笑， 說我愛這車勝過愛你， 因為跟它在一起的時間比跟你的多。我的確喜歡這鐵玩意――要知道， 我們配合得那么默契。再艱難的時候， 再險阻的地方， 我們都挺過來了。長途跋涉也好， 在平坦大道上風馳電掣也罷， 它從沒讓我失望過。

　　可你知道嗎？我愛你也是因為這個：生活中的艱難險阻， 我們也一塊兒挺了過來。

　　記得第一輛卡車嗎？那破舊的老式玉米割捆機一度把我們搞得瀕臨破產， 可我們總能賺上足夠的錢糊口。你出去找了份工作， 我們才付得起房租和賬單。我把賺到的每一分錢都投在那車上， 全靠你來維持全家吃住。

　　印象中， 我對那車發過不少牢騷， 但我卻不記得每當你疲憊地下班回家， 我又向你要錢上路的時候， 你有過不滿。或許你也抱怨過， 我想我是沒聽見。我滿腦子都是自己的麻煩， 哪有心思顧及你的難處呢。

　　現在我想到你為我放棄的一切：衣服、假期、派對、朋友。你毫無怨言， 可我卻從沒記得為此向你道過謝。

　　我坐下喝咖啡和兒子們在一起的時候， 總是談論我的車， 我為它支付的錢。我想我忘了你是我的伴侶， 即使你不和我一起坐在駕駛室里。為了攢錢買新車， 你的犧牲和決心一點不比我少。

　　有了新車， 我的自豪溢于言表。其實我也為你感到驕傲， 但是從未對你說過。我滿以為你早就知道了， 但要是以前我也用那樣多的時間和你交談， 或許會向你說這些的。

　　奔馳在道路上的這些年來， 我知道你的祈禱時刻伴我左右?？蛇@次禱告卻未能使我幸免。

　　我傷得很厲害。我行駛完了最后的里程。現在我只想說那些早就該說許多遍的話。我要說因為過去太在意我的車和我的工作而拋在腦后的那些事。

　　我想到我錯過的多少個結婚紀念日和家人的生日。我想到多少次學校演出和曲棍球比賽， 你都獨自前往， 就因為我出車在外。我想到多少個孤單的夜晚， 你默默地牽掛著我。我想到多少次想打電話給你問聲好， 不知怎的卻又沒打。我想到我那時的平靜心態， 因為我知道你和孩子們正在家等著我歸來。

　　多少次家人在一起吃飯， 你總得費力向你娘家的人解釋為什么我沒能露面。我忙著給車子換機油；我到處找零件；我得睡覺， 因為第二天一早就得出車?？偸怯欣碛?， 可現在看來這些都不很重要了。

　　我們剛結婚的時候， 你連燈泡都不會換。沒過幾年， 我遠在佛羅里達等待裝貨時， 你居然已經能在暴風雪天修理出毛病的火爐了。你成了不錯的機械師， 修車時還能做我的助手。你跳進駕駛室， 雖然倒車時壓在玫瑰花叢上， 可我還是為你感到得意。

　　我把車開進院子， 看見你睡在小車里等我， 我為你感到驕傲。不管是凌晨兩點還是下午兩點， 在我眼里你總像個電影明星。要知道， 你真美。我想近來我沒跟你這么說過， 但你真的很美。

　　我這輩子沒少犯錯， 可要說我曾作出過一個明智的決定， 那就是向你求婚。你永遠無法明白為什么我對開長途貨車那么著迷。其實我也不明白， 但這是我的生活方式， 你也就依了我。不管境況是好是壞， 你始終和我在一起。親愛的， 我愛你， 我也愛孩子們。

　　我身上疼痛， 但心里更難受， 因為在我走完這最后一段路時你不在我身旁。我們在一起那么久， 我第一次感到孤單， 這真可怕。我太需要你了， 可是我知道這已經太晚了。

　　我想這也挺有意思， 現在我竟然跟這車在一起。長久以來這該死的貨車支配著我們的生活， 這么多年來我跟這摔成歪七扭八的鐵家伙形影不離， 靠它掙錢。但它不會回報我的愛， 只有你才會。

　　我們相隔千里， 我卻覺得你就在身邊。你的臉浮現在眼前， 我能感受到你的愛， 可是想到得獨自一人走完這最后一程， 我還是害怕。

　　告訴孩子們我多么愛他們。以后千萬不要讓他們去開車營生。

　　親愛的， 就說這些吧。天啊， 我非常愛你。好好照顧自己， 永遠記住， 我這輩子最愛的是你， 我只是忘了說出口。

　　我愛你，

　　比爾

　　注釋：

　　1. haul vi. 卡車貨車拖運

　　2. semi =semitrailer 雙輪拖車， 掛車

　　3. wreckage n. 破片；殘骸

　　4. fluke n. 僥幸

　　5. chrome n. 鉻， 鉻合金

　　6. sacrifice n. 犧牲， 獻身

　　7. pavement n. 公路，人行道

　　8. hockey n. 曲棍球

　　9. furnace n. 爐子， 熔爐

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