After I gave a talk on the subject of happiness，a woman in the audience stood up and said，"I wish my husband had come.""Much as I loved him，"she explained，"it wasn't easy being married to someone so unhappy."This woman enabled me to put into words what I had been searching for――altruistic1），as well as the personal，reasons for taking happiness seriously.I told her that each of us owes it to our spouse2），our children，our friends to be as happy as we can.

　　I was not a particularly happy child，and like most teenagers，I took pleasure in my anguish.One day，however，it occurred to me that I was taking the easy way out.Anyone could be unhappy；it took no courage and effort.True achievement lay in struggling to be happy.The notion that we have to work at happiness comes as news to many people.We assume it's a feeling that comes as a result of good things that just happen to us，things over which we have little or no control.But the opposite is true：happiness is largely under our control.It is a battle to be fought and not a feeling to be awaited.To achieve a happy life，it's necessary to overcome some stumbling blocks，three of which are：

　　Comparison with Others Most of us compare ourselves with anyone we think is happier――a relative，an acquaintance or，often someone we barely know.I once met a young man who struck me as particularly successful and happy.He spoke of his love for his beautiful wife and their three daughters，and of his joy at being a radio talk－show host in a city he loved.I remember thinking that he was one of those lucky few for whom everything goes effortlessly right.Then we started talking about the Internet.He blessed its existence，he told me ，because he could look up information on multiple sclerosis3）――the terrible disease afflicting his wife.I felt like a fool for assuming nothing unhappy existed in his life.

　　Images of Perfection Almost all of us have images of how life should be.The problem，of course，is that only rarely do people's jobs，spouses and children live up to these imagined ideals.Here's a personal example：no one in my family had ever divorced.I assumed that marriage was for life.So when my wife and I divorced after five years of marriage and three years after the birth of our son，my world collapsed.I was a failure in my own eyes.I later remarried and confided to my wife that I couldn't shake the feeling that my family life had failed.She asked me what was wrong with our family now（which included her daughter from a previous marriage and my son）。I had to admit that，aside from the pain of being with my son only half the time （my ex-wife and I shared custody4）），our family life was wonderful."Then why don't you celebrate it？"she asked.That's what I decided to do.But first I had to get rid of a "perfect" family.

　　"Missing Tile5）" Syndrome6） One effective way of destroying happiness is to look at something and focus on even the smallest flaw.It's like looking at the tiled ceiling and concentrating on the space where one tile is missing.As a bald man told me ，"whenever I enter a room，all I see is hair."Once you've determined what your missing tile is，explore whether acquiring it will really make you happy.Then do one of the three things：get it，replace it with a different tile，or forget about it and focus on the tiles in your life that are not missing.

　　We all know people who have had a relatively easy life yet are essentially unhappy.And we know people who have suffered a great deal but generally remain happy.The first secret is gratitude.All happy people are grateful.Ungrateful people cannot be happy.We tend to think that being unhappy leads people to complain，but it's truer to say that complaining leads to people becoming unhappy.

　　The second secret is realizing that happiness is a byproduct7） of something else.The most obvious sources are those pursuits that give our lives purpose――anything from studying insects to playing baseball.The more passions we have，the more happiness we are likely to experience.Finally，the belief that something permanent transcends8） us and that our existence has some larger meaning can help us be happier.We need a spiritual faith，or a philosophy of life.Whatever your philosophy，it should include this truism9）：if you choose to find the positive in virtually every situation，you will be blessed，and if you choose to find the awful ，you will be cursed.As with happiness itself，this is largely your decision to make.

　　在我做了一場以快樂為主題的報告之后，一位女士聽眾站起來說："我丈夫也能來聽這個報告就好了。"她解釋說："盡管我非常愛他，可是同一個不快樂的人做夫妻真不是件容易的事情。"這位女士用語言表達出了我一直在探索的一個道理――認真對待快樂，既可有利于自己，也可有利于他人。我告訴她，我們每個人為了我們的配偶、我們的孩子、我們的朋友，都應當盡可能快樂。

　　我不是一個特別快樂的孩子，像大多數十幾歲的少年一樣，我在苦中求樂。然而，有一天，我突然意識到，我是在貪圖省事。任何人都可以不開心，這不需要勇氣和努力。真正的成就在于努力奮斗以獲得快樂。對許多人來說，我們必須努力去爭取快樂這一概念像是一件新鮮事，因為我們以為，快樂是一種感覺，是我們碰到好事的結果，對于它我們很難控制。然而，事實恰好相反：在很大程度上我們可以控制快樂。這是一場需要奮爭的戰斗，而不是一種坐等的感覺。要想獲得幸福的生活，需要克服一些障礙，其中的三個是：

　　與別人相比 我們大多數人把自己與我們認為比我們更快樂的任何人相比――親戚、熟人，或者經常是我們不大了解的人。有一次，我遇到一個年輕男子，他給我的印象是特別成功和快樂。他說他愛他漂亮的妻子和他們的3個女兒，并說在他喜歡的城市里做廣播脫口秀節目的主持人令他感到快樂。我記得我當時認為他是屬于少數一切都順順當當的幸運兒。之后我們開始談論因特網。他告訴我，他對因特網心存感激，因為他可以在網上查找醫治多發性硬化癥的信息――這種可怕的疾病正在折磨著他的妻子。我當時覺得自己像個傻瓜，還以為他的生活中沒有不快樂的事情。

　　想像中的完美無缺 幾乎我們所有的人都想像生活應是什么樣。問題自然是人們的工作、配偶以及孩子都很難達到想像中的理想標準。這兒有我自身的例子：我們家里從來沒有人離過婚。我本以為婚姻應持續終生。所以，當妻子與我婚后5年，兒子3歲我們離婚時，我的世界崩潰了。在我眼里，我是個失敗者。我再婚后向妻子吐露，我擺脫不了"我的家庭生活是失敗的"這一感覺。她問我，我們現在的家（包括她與前夫生的女兒和我的兒子）怎么了？我不得不承認，除了只能一半時間跟兒子（我和前妻共同監護孩子）在一起的痛苦之外，我們的家庭生活很愉快。"那你為什么不慶賀這種生活呢？"她問道。那就是我決定要做的。可是，我首先得擺脫"十全十美"的家庭這種幻想。

　　"缺瓦"綜合征 一種毀壞快樂的有效辦法是：只看某事的壞處，甚至注意到最細小的缺陷。這就像看瓦房頂一樣，注意力集中于那缺瓦的地方。正如一位禿頂的先生告訴我的那樣："無論何時我進入一個房間，我所看到的都是頭發。"當你確定了你丟失的那片瓦是什么時，探究一下獲得這片瓦是否真的會讓你快樂，之后做下列三件事之一：取回那片瓦；用一片不同的瓦替換它；或者忘了它，把注意力集中在你生活中那些未丟失的瓦上。我們都認識一些人，他們過著相對安逸的生活卻根本不快樂。

　　我們也認識一些人，他們經歷了巨大的痛苦卻往往仍然是快樂的。第一大奧秘是感恩的心境。所有快樂的人是有感恩之心的。沒有感恩之心的人不可能快樂。我們往往認為，不快樂會導致人們抱怨，但是更正確的說法是，抱怨導致人們不快樂。

　　第二大奧秘是，要認識到快樂是別的事情的副產品，其最顯而易見的來源是那些賦予我們生活以目的的追求――任何事情，從研究昆蟲到打棒球。我們的激情越多，我們有可能體驗的快樂就越多。最后，要相信有一種永恒的東西超越我們，我們的存在有著某種更廣大的意義，這種信念能幫助我們更加快樂。我們需要一種精神信仰或者一種人生哲學。不管你的哲學是什么，它應該包括這個自明之理：如果你決心去發現每種情況的積極面（事實上都有），你就會得福；如果你決心去發現其消極面，你就會遭殃。如對快樂本身一樣，這主要取決于你自己。

　　注釋：

　　1. altruistic adj. 利他的， 無私心的

　　2. spouse n. 配偶（指夫或妻）

　　3. sclerosis n. 硬化癥， 硬化， 硬結

　　4. custody n. 監管，監護

　　5. tile n. 瓦片， 瓷磚

　　6. syndrome n. 綜合病癥

　　7. byproduct n. 副產品

　　8. transcend vt. 超越， 勝過

　　9. truism n. 明白之理，不言而喻的事

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