My husband and I recently saw a play about an elderly couple spending their forty-fourth season at their summer home in Maine. The underlying theme was the couple＊s sense of time running out每of their own mortality. We were deeply moved by the terror as well as the courage of the old people. We laughed at their charming eccentricities and wept at their anguish. As the play ended，a woman in front of us beat a hasty retreat saying loudly to her companion，※I can＊t stand plays that try to make me cry！§

　　I felt very sorry for that woman. If she could not bear to look at the dying，she must not have noticed the loving and the living，which wee present in equal part.

　　It is very hard to be fully human. To know the fullest dimensions of ourselves and others，we have to enlarge our capacity to feel deeply每and there is no way to do that without opening up a great deal of pain. A very wise aunt of mine put it very well shortly before she died. During one of our frequent giggle sessions she suddenly looked at me and said，※I＊ve loved the sound of your laughter since you were a baby，but even while it gave me pleasure it hurt me. I knew that if you could laugh with such joy，you＊d also feel your sorrows very deeply.§

　　It is possible to skim the surface of life without being profoundly touched by anything，but it＊s not very rewarding. Although my aunt was certainly right每when I suffer it is no laughing matter！每I pity those who close themselves off from pain，for in so doing they sacrifice their opportunities for a piercing sense of joy.

　　I know a woman whose only daughter died at age thirty-five，leaving two young children. The grandmother lives in New York，the two granddaughters in Alaska. Friends urged Grandma to visit her grandchildren after their mother＊s death.※No，I can＊t，§she said.※Jenny looks just the way Helen did as a child；it would kill me to see her.§

　　That was ten years ago. Jenny is now eighteen. Last summer she came to New York with money she＊d saved from part-time jobs. When she wrote that she was coming，her grandmother wrote back that she was sorry，but it was an inconvenient time每her apartment was about to be painted.

　　Helen had been a friend of mine，and I knew from Jenny＊s letters to me that she was still mourning her mother and had some unfinished business to attend to. She wanted to see the place where her mother was born and had lived for many years. She also needed a sense of connection with her grandmother.

　　When Jenny＊s grandmother told her not to come，I invited Jenny to visit me. When she walked through the door，I began to cry. It was shocking to see an almost perfect replica of Helen. I could understand how painful such a sight would be for Helen＊s mother. But in avoiding that pain，she also cheated herself of the pleasure I had每the pleasure of reliving some of the happy times I＊d had with Helen，of taking her daughter to some of our favorite places. Jenny＊s visit reminded me of my loss and of the tragedy that this lovely young woman could not know her mother. But I felt a sense of thanksgiving每even triumph每that so much of Helen lived on in Jenny. I carried and won；Grandma ran away and lost everything she might have had.

　　Looking back over my life，it seems to me that I have learned the most when I felt the greatest pain. My mother＊s death，for example，made me more profoundly aware of the beauty in nature. My capacity for finding joy in the most ordinary events（watching a flower open，leaves turning red，a bird taking a bath）seems to deepen each time I live through great sorrow. Death makes life more precious；frustration makes success more fulfilling，failure makes the next accomplishment more meaningful.

　　In order to feel deeply it is necessary to feel everything. It is impossible to choose. You can＊t really know how great is your sense of joy at a baby＊s birth or your satisfaction at succeeding at a hard job unless you are also deeply aware of the anguish of separation and the pain of failure. It＊s through the capacity to feel that we discover ourselves and others and explore the potential for a full，significant life.

　　This is an especially crucial issue for parents. Our natural inclination is to try to protect children from pain. We have the mistaken notion that if a child is happy we are doing a good job；if a child is sad we are failing as parents. But giving children the message that happy is good and sad is terrible decreases their capacity to explore the full range of human experiences.

　　Children need to understand that suffering，frustration and failure are not only inevitable but helpful. The parent who took a simple puzzle away from a four-year-old because，※He gets too upset and frustrated when he can＊t get it right immediately，§did the child a great disservice. Children need to experience such feelings as they grow up；it helps them to develop the patience，persistence and ability to cope that they＊ll need when a scientific experiment fails，a low grade is received after diligent study，or a belly flop occurs after a summer of diving lessons. There is nothing so terrible about failing and feeling pain；what hurts in the long run is not trying because of the fear of pain.

　　This is particularly true of human relationships. I once heard a father tell his nine-year-old son，※It doesn＊t matter if David won＊t play with you anymore；he wasn＊t a nice person anyway. Maybe if you invite Kenneth to go to the ballgame with us on Saturday，he will be your friend.§But the break-up of an important relationship always hurts；it is appropriate to feel sad. If we push it aside we diminish the meaning每and much of the joy每of such relationships. It would be more helpful to say，※I know how you feel. It hurts when a good friend deserts you. It happens to all children每and to grownups too每and it takes awhile to start feeling better. But soon you＊ll have a new friend and you＊ll feel good again.§

　　This is not to say that we should ignore or make light of a child＊s pain. The stiff-upper-lip approach can cripple a child＊s capacity to feel as much as overprotection. If we say，for example，※Well，you＊ll just have to sit there until you get the puzzle right，§or※stop whining about David；act like a man and take your lumps，the child may withdraw from the feelings because he is too lonely with them. Suffering needs compassion. Pain needs to be alleviated through sharing and sympathy. My husband and I recently saw a play about an elderly couple spending their forty-fourth season at their summer home in Maine. The underlying theme was the couple＊s sense of time running out每of their own mortality. We were deeply moved by the terror as well as the courage of the old people. We laughed at their charming eccentricities and wept at their anguish. As the play ended，a woman in front of us beat a hasty retreat saying loudly to her companion，※I can＊t stand plays that try to make me cry！§

　　I felt very sorry for that woman. If she could not bear to look at the dying，she must not have noticed the loving and the living，which wee present in equal part.

　　It is very hard to be fully human. To know the fullest dimensions of ourselves and others，we have to enlarge our capacity to feel deeply每and there is no way to do that without opening up a great deal of pain. A very wise aunt of mine put it very well shortly before she died. During one of our frequent giggle sessions she suddenly looked at me and said，※I＊ve loved the sound of your laughter since you were a baby，but even while it gave me pleasure it hurt me. I knew that if you could laugh with such joy，you＊d also feel your sorrows very deeply.§

　　It is possible to skim the surface of life without being profoundly touched by anything，but it＊s not very rewarding. Although my aunt was certainly right每when I suffer it is no laughing matter！每I pity those who close themselves off from pain，for in so doing they sacrifice their opportunities for a piercing sense of joy.

　　I know a woman whose only daughter died at age thirty-five，leaving two young children. The grandmother lives in New York，the two granddaughters in Alaska. Friends urged Grandma to visit her grandchildren after their mother＊s death.※No，I can＊t，§she said.※Jenny looks just the way Helen did as a child；it would kill me to see her.§

　　That was ten years ago. Jenny is now eighteen. Last summer she came to New York with money she＊d saved from part-time jobs. When she wrote that she was coming，her grandmother wrote back that she was sorry，but it was an inconvenient time每her apartment was about to be painted.

　　Helen had been a friend of mine，and I knew from Jenny＊s letters to me that she was still mourning her mother and had some unfinished business to attend to. She wanted to see the place where her mother was born and had lived for many years. She also needed a sense of connection with her grandmother.

　　When Jenny＊s grandmother told her not to come，I invited Jenny to visit me. When she walked through the door，I began to cry. It was shocking to see an almost perfect replica of Helen. I could understand how painful such a sight would be for Helen＊s mother. But in avoiding that pain，she also cheated herself of the pleasure I had每the pleasure of reliving some of the happy times I＊d had with Helen，of taking her daughter to some of our favorite places. Jenny＊s visit reminded me of my loss and of the tragedy that this lovely young woman could not know her mother. But I felt a sense of thanksgiving每even triumph每that so much of Helen lived on in Jenny. I carried and won；Grandma ran away and lost everything she might have had.

　　Looking back over my life，it seems to me that I have learned the most when I felt the greatest pain. My mother＊s death，for example，made me more profoundly aware of the beauty in nature. My capacity for finding joy in the most ordinary events（watching a flower open，leaves turning red，a bird taking a bath）seems to deepen each time I live through great sorrow. Death makes life more precious；frustration makes success more fulfilling，failure makes the next accomplishment more meaningful.

　　In order to feel deeply it is necessary to feel everything. It is impossible to choose. You can＊t really know how great is your sense of joy at a baby＊s birth or your satisfaction at succeeding at a hard job unless you are also deeply aware of the anguish of separation and the pain of failure. It＊s through the capacity to feel that we discover ourselves and others and explore the potential for a full，significant life.

　　This is an especially crucial issue for parents. Our natural inclination is to try to protect children from pain. We have the mistaken notion that if a child is happy we are doing a good job；if a child is sad we are failing as parents. But giving children the message that happy is good and sad is terrible decreases their capacity to explore the full range of human experiences.

　　Children need to understand that suffering，frustration and failure are not only inevitable but helpful. The parent who took a simple puzzle away from a four-year-old because，※He gets too upset and frustrated when he can＊t get it right immediately，§did the child a great disservice. Children need to experience such feelings as they grow up；it helps them to develop the patience，persistence and ability to cope that they＊ll need when a scientific experiment fails，a low grade is received after diligent study，or a belly flop occurs after a summer of diving lessons. There is nothing so terrible about failing and feeling pain；what hurts in the long run is not trying because of the fear of pain.

　　This is particularly true of human relationships. I once heard a father tell his nine-year-old son，※It doesn＊t matter if David won＊t play with you anymore；he wasn＊t a nice person anyway. Maybe if you invite Kenneth to go to the ballgame with us on Saturday，he will be your friend.§But the break-up of an important relationship always hurts；it is appropriate to feel sad. If we push it aside we diminish the meaning每and much of the joy每of such relationships. It would be more helpful to say，※I know how you feel. It hurts when a good friend deserts you. It happens to all children每and to grownups too每and it takes awhile to start feeling better. But soon you＊ll have a new friend and you＊ll feel good again.§

　　This is not to say that we should ignore or make light of a child＊s pain. The stiff-upper-lip approach can cripple a child＊s capacity to feel as much as overprotection. If we say，for example，※Well，you＊ll just have to sit there until you get the puzzle right，§or※stop whining about David；act like a man and take your lumps，the child may withdraw from the feelings because he is too lonely with them. Suffering needs compassion. Pain needs to be alleviated through sharing and sympathy.

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