我們在熱那亞和羅馬的向導
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Our Guide In Genoa And Rome
Mark Twain
European guides know about enough English to tangle ev erything up so that a man can make neiter head nor tail of it．They know their story by heart，—the history of every stat ue，painting， cathedral，or other wonder they show you．They know it and tell it as a parrot would， and if you interrupt, and throw them off the track， they have to go back and begi nover again．All their lives long, they are employed in showing strange things to foreigners and listening to their bursts of admiration．
It Is human nature to take delight in exciting admiration．It is what prompts children to say "smart" things, ad do absurd ones，and in other ways "show off" when company is pre sent．It is what makes gossips turn out in rain and storm to goand be the first to tell a startling bit of news．Think, then, what a passion it becomes with a guide, whose privilege it is，every day, to show to strangers wonders thst throw them intoperfect ecstasies of admiration! He gets so that he could not byany possibility live in a soberer atmosphere．
After we discovered this, we never went into ecstasies anymore, we never admired anything, we never showed any but impassible faces and stupid indifference in the presence ofthe subli mest wonders a guide had to display． We had found their weak point． We have made good use of it ever since．We have made some of those people savage, at times, but we have never lost our serenity．
The doctor asks the questions generally，because he can keep his countenance, and look more like an inspired idiot, and throw more imbecility into the tone of his voice than any man that lives． It comes natural to him．
The guides in Genoa are delighted to secure an American party， because Americans so much wonder， and deal so muchin sentiment and emotion before any relic of Columbus． Our guide there fidgeted about as if he had swallowed a spring mat tress． He was full of animation，—full of impatience．He said：—
"Come wis me，genteel men! —come! I show you ze let ter writing by Christopher Colombo！—write it himself！—write it wis his own hand！—come!"
He took us to the municipal palace． After much impres sive fumbling of keys and opening of locks, the stained andaged document was spread before us． The guide's eyes sparkled． He danced about us and tapped the parchment with 193 his finger:—
"What I tell you, genteel men! Is it not so? See! handwriting Christopher Colombo! — write it himself!"
We looked indifferent,—unconcerned． The doctor ex amined the document very deliberately, during a painful pause．Then he said, without any show of interest,"Ah, Ferguson, what what did you say was then ame of the party who wrote this?"
"Christopher Colombo！ ze great Christ opber Colombo!"
Another deliberate examination．
"Ah,—did he write it himself, or—or how?"
"He write it himself! — Christopher Colombo! He's ownhandwriting, write by himself!"
Then the doctor laid the document down and said, "Why，I have seen boys in America only fourteen year sold that could write better man that."
"But zis is ze great Christo—"
"I don't care who it is! It's the worst writing I ever saw．Now you mustn't think you can impose on us because we ares trangers．We are not fools，by a good deal． If you have gotany specimens of penmanship of real merit, trot them out! —and if you haven't, drive on!"
We drove on．The guide was considerably shaken up, buthe made one more venture． He had something which he thought would overcome us． He said, —
"Ah，genteel men, you come wis me! I show you beauti ful, O,magnificent bust Christopher Colombo!—splendid, grand, magnificent!"
He brought us before the beautiful bust, —for it was beautiful, —and sprang back and struck an attitude: —
"Ah, look, genteelmen! — beautiful, grand, — bustChristopher Colombo! Beautiful bust, beautiful pedestal!"
The doctor put up his eyeglass, — procured for such occasions: —
"Ah,—what did you say this gentleman's name was?
"Christopher Colombo! The great Christopher Colombo!"
"Christopher Colombo,— the great Christopher Colombo． Well, what did he do?"
"Discover America! — discover America, O, the devil!"
"Discover America．No,—that statement will hardly wash． We are just from America ourselves． We heard nothing about it． Christopher Colombo，— pleasant name，—is—is he dead?"
"O, corpo di Baccho! — Three hundred year!"
"What did he die of?"
"I do not know． I cannot tell."
"Smallpox，think?"
"I do not know, genteel men,— I do not know what he die of．"
"Measles, likely?"
"Maybe,— maybe． I do not know,— I think he die of some things."
"Parents living?"
"Im—posseeble!"
"Ah,— winch is the bust and which is the pedestal?"
"Santa Maria! — zis ze bust!— zis ze pedestal！"
"Ah, I see, I see, —happy combination, —very happy combination indeed． Is—is this the first time this gentle manwas ever on a bust?"
That joke was lost on the foreigner, — guides cannot master the subtleties of the American joke．
We have made it interesting for this Roman guide． Yesterday we spent three or four hours in the Vatican again, that wonderful world of curiosities． We came very near expressing interest sometimes, even admiration． It was hard to keep fromit． We succeeded, though． Nobody else ever did, in the Vati can museums．The guide was bewildered, non plussed． He walk6d his legs off, nearly, hunting up extraordinary things, and exhausted all his ingenuity on us, but it was a failure；we never showed any interest in anything． He had reserved what he considered to be his greatest wonder till the last, —a royal Egyptian mummy, the best preserved in the world, perhaps．He took us there． He felt so sure， this time, that some of his old enthusiasm came back to him: —
"See, genteel man!— Mummy！ Mummy！”
The eyeglass came up as calmly, as deliberately as ever．
"Ah, —Fer gusoh, — what did I understand you to say the gentleman's name was?
"Name? — he got no name! Mummy! — Gyp tian mum my!"
"Yes, yes．Born here?"
"No．Gyptian mummy．"
"Ah, just so． Frenchman, I presume?"
"No! —not Frenchman, not Roman! —born in Egypta!"
"Born in Egypta． Never heard of Egypta before．Foreign locality， likely． Mummy，—mummy． How calm he is, howself possessed! Is—ah!—is he dead?"
"O, sacre bleu! been dead three thous an year!"
The doctor turned on him savagely: —
"Here, now, what do you mean by such conduct as this? Playing us for China men because we are strangers and trying tolearn! Trying to impose your vile secondhand carcasses on us! Thunder and lightning! I've a notion to— to—If you've go ta nice fresh corpse, fetch him out! — or，by George, we'll brain you!"
We make it exceedingly interesting for this Frenchman．However, he has paid us back, partly, without knowing it．He came to the hotel this morning to ask if we were up, and heende avored, as well as he could, to describe us, so that thelandlord would know which persons he meant． He finished with the casual remark that we were lunatics． The observation was so innocent and so honest that it amounted to a very good thing for a guide to say．
Our Roman Ferguson is the most patient, unsuspecting, long suffering subject we have had yet． We shall be sorry to part with him． We have enjoyed his society very much．We trust he has enjoyed ours，but we are harassed with doubts．
我們在熱那亞和羅馬的向導
馬克·吐溫
歐洲向導都懂得點英國話，剛好能把一切攪得亂七八糟，弄得人家摸不到頭腦。那套故事——那套用來指點人家參觀 雕塑、繪畫、大教堂等類名勝奇跡的掌故，他們都背熟了。什么都曉得，就像鸚哥一樣學說出來—如果給人家一打岔，把話岔到題外，他們就得回過頭來，重新說起。 他們專門雇來給參觀奇珍異寶的外國人當向導聽客人贊美幾句。好聽上勁兒的贊美是人之常情。正是因為這個道理，孩子才會當著人 面說些“俏皮”話，干些荒唐事，才會想其它法子“賣弄”一 下。正是因為這個道理，碎嘴子才會冒著狂風暴雨出去，搶先 說件聳人聽聞的消息。向導的特權就是天天指點外邦人看看 名勝古跡，博得人家欣喜若狂的大事贊美，那么，請想一想，他怎會不渴望人家這么贊美幾聲呵！他聽慣了贊美，所以碰到人家稍為冷淡，他就絕對受不了。我們發(fā)現(xiàn)這點以后，每當向導領我們到什么偉大壯麗的名勝面前，我們就再也不欣喜若狂，對什么再也不加贊美，只裝出一副無動于衷的臉色，傻里傻氣地漠不關心。我們找到他們的弱點了，就此大大利用，時時惹得有些向導火冒三丈，可我們倒始終心平氣和。
通常都由醫(yī)生提問題，因為他能不動聲色，看來比天下任何人都像個通靈白癡，說話的聲調也比任何人都透著傻氣。這在他身上倒是渾然天生。
熱那亞的向導專愛招攬美國人的旅行團，因為美國人面對哥倫布的遺跡，總是驚訝萬分，總是感慨多端，熱情奔放。我們那個向導可坐不定，立不安，活像吞了個彈簧墊子。他渾身是勁，滿心焦急。他說：
“肯我來，各位憲生——來！我給你們看克利斯朵夫·哥郎波寫得信！——親自寫得！——親手寫得！——來！”
他把我們帶到市政廳。拼命掏了那么多回鑰匙，開了那么多道鎖，那封污穢的古老文件終于攤在我們面前。向導眼睛閃閃發(fā)光。他在我們身邊跳來蹦去，手指彈彈那張羊皮紙：
“瞧我說的，各位憲生！可不是？瞧！克利斯朵夫·哥郎波親筆——親自寫得！”
我們臉色冷峻，漠不關心。在這段令人難熬的冷場中，醫(yī)生不慌不忙地把這文件研究了一番。看后絲毫不表興趣地說：
“啊——福開森——你——你—一你剛說寫這玩藝的家伙叫什么名字來的？”
“克利斯朵夫·哥郎波！偉大的克利斯朵夫·哥郎波！”199
又不慌不忙地研究了一通。
“啊——是他親自寫的，還是——還是怎么的？”
“他親自寫得——克利斯朵夫·哥郎波！他親筆字，親自寫得！”
于是醫(yī)生放下那文件說：
“唉，在美國我看到過，十四歲小孩寫的字，也比這高明得多呢。”
“可則是偉大的克利斯朵——”
“我不管他是誰！我還是頭一次見到這么糟的書法呢。你可別想哄我們外邦人。我們絕對不是傻瓜。你要有什么貨真價實的墨寶，就拿出來看看！——要沒有，那就趕車吧！”
我們就趕車走了。向導給大大奚落了一頓，可他還是豁著再試一下。他有套法寶，自以為能說服我們。他說：
“啊，各位憲生！肯我來吧！我給你們看看漂亮的，喔，壯嚴的克利斯朵夫·哥郎波胸像！——又雄偉，又神氣，又壯嚴！”
他把我們帶到那座漂亮的胸像跟前——因為這確是漂亮——就一箭步跳開，裝模作樣地說：
“啊，瞧，各位憲生！——真漂亮，真神氣，——克利斯朵夫·哥郎波胸像！——多漂亮的胸像，多漂亮的座子！”
醫(yī)生戴上了單眼鏡——是特地為派這用場才買的：
“啊——你剛說這位先生叫什么來的？”
“克利斯朵夫·哥郎波！——偉大的克利斯朵夫·哥郎波！”
“克利斯朵夫·哥郎波——偉大的克利斯朵夫·哥郎波。呃，他是干什么的？”
“發(fā)見美洲！——發(fā)見美洲，喔，滑見鬼！”
“發(fā)見美洲。不——那話簡直靠不住。我們就是剛從美洲來的。我們可沒聽說過。克利斯朵夫·哥郎波——名字倒好聽——他——他死了嗎？”
“喔，活見鬼！——三百年啦！”
“他怎么死的？”
“我不知道！——我說不上。”
“想來是出天花吧？”
“我不知道，各位憲生！——我不知道他怎么死得！”
“大概出痧子吧？”
“恐怕是的——恐怕是的——我不知道——我看他總是得什么病死得。”
“父母還活著嗎？”
“不——苦能！”
“啊——哪是胸像，哪是座子？”
“天吶！——則系胸像！——則系座子！”
“啊，有數(shù)了，有數(shù)了——配得妙——實在配得妙透。這——這位先生是不是頭一回在胸像上？”
外國人可不懂那種笑話——向導對美國式笑話的妙處可領會不了。
我們弄得這羅馬向導啼笑皆非。昨天我們又到梵蒂岡，在那座稀世珍品的寶庫中消磨了三四個鐘頭。我們往往忍不住流露出感興趣的神情，甚至流露出欣賞的眼光，這可很難熬住，但到底熬住了。因為在梵蒂岡博物館里，可沒人不感興趣的。向導真弄糊涂了——不知怎么辦是好。他到處獵取奇珍異寶，差點跑斷了腿，把全部聰明都用在我們身上，可就是無濟于事；我們對任何東西都不流露任何興趣。直到最后，他才把自以為最神奇的東西搬出來——一具埃及皇族的木乃伊，也許是世界上保存得最好的一具吧。他把我們帶到那兒。這回，他信心十足，原來那副熱情多少又恢復了：
“瞧，各位憲生！——木乃伊！木乃伊！”
醫(yī)生照舊平心靜氣、不慌不忙地戴上單眼鏡。
“啊，——福開森——我剛聽你說這位先生叫什么名字來的？”
“名字？——他沒名字！——木乃伊！——阿及木乃伊！”
“對，對。本地人？”
“不！阿及木乃伊！”
“啊，原來這樣。大概是法國人吧！”
“不！——不是法國人，不是羅馬人！——生在埃及塔！”
“生在埃及塔。從沒聽說過埃及塔這地方。恐怕是外國地方吧。木乃伊——木乃伊。他多鎮(zhèn)靜——他多沉著。他，呃——他死了嗎？”
“唉，真見鬼，死三千年啦！”
醫(yī)生惡狠狠地對他回過頭來：
“喂，喂，你這樣做算什么意思！見我們是外邦人，想長長見識，就當我們土老兒耍弄嗎！想拿陳年臭尸體騙我們！——真正豈有此理，我曉得—曉—你要是有好看的新鮮活死人，就拿出來！——不然的話，哼哼，我們就叫你腦袋開花！”
我們弄得這法國人實在啼笑皆非。誰知，他不知不覺中，多少給我們一報還一報。今天早晨他上旅館里來打聽我們起身了沒有，接著盡力把我們的樣子形容一通，好讓旅館老板弄懂他說的是誰。臨了還信口說我們是瘋子。這話說得那么天真，那么老實，真不愧是個向導說的。
我們碰到的向導中，要數(shù)這個羅馬福開森最有耐性了，深信不疑，逆來順受。大家真舍不得跟他分手。有他作陪，實在非常高興。我們相信他有我們做伴也高興，可我們卻滿腹狐疑，傷透腦筋。
本文標題：我們在熱那亞和羅馬的向導 - 英語笑話_英文笑話_英語幽默小故事Mark Twain
European guides know about enough English to tangle ev erything up so that a man can make neiter head nor tail of it．They know their story by heart，—the history of every stat ue，painting， cathedral，or other wonder they show you．They know it and tell it as a parrot would， and if you interrupt, and throw them off the track， they have to go back and begi nover again．All their lives long, they are employed in showing strange things to foreigners and listening to their bursts of admiration．
It Is human nature to take delight in exciting admiration．It is what prompts children to say "smart" things, ad do absurd ones，and in other ways "show off" when company is pre sent．It is what makes gossips turn out in rain and storm to goand be the first to tell a startling bit of news．Think, then, what a passion it becomes with a guide, whose privilege it is，every day, to show to strangers wonders thst throw them intoperfect ecstasies of admiration! He gets so that he could not byany possibility live in a soberer atmosphere．
After we discovered this, we never went into ecstasies anymore, we never admired anything, we never showed any but impassible faces and stupid indifference in the presence ofthe subli mest wonders a guide had to display． We had found their weak point． We have made good use of it ever since．We have made some of those people savage, at times, but we have never lost our serenity．
The doctor asks the questions generally，because he can keep his countenance, and look more like an inspired idiot, and throw more imbecility into the tone of his voice than any man that lives． It comes natural to him．
The guides in Genoa are delighted to secure an American party， because Americans so much wonder， and deal so muchin sentiment and emotion before any relic of Columbus． Our guide there fidgeted about as if he had swallowed a spring mat tress． He was full of animation，—full of impatience．He said：—
"Come wis me，genteel men! —come! I show you ze let ter writing by Christopher Colombo！—write it himself！—write it wis his own hand！—come!"
He took us to the municipal palace． After much impres sive fumbling of keys and opening of locks, the stained andaged document was spread before us． The guide's eyes sparkled． He danced about us and tapped the parchment with 193 his finger:—
"What I tell you, genteel men! Is it not so? See! handwriting Christopher Colombo! — write it himself!"
We looked indifferent,—unconcerned． The doctor ex amined the document very deliberately, during a painful pause．Then he said, without any show of interest,"Ah, Ferguson, what what did you say was then ame of the party who wrote this?"
"Christopher Colombo！ ze great Christ opber Colombo!"
Another deliberate examination．
"Ah,—did he write it himself, or—or how?"
"He write it himself! — Christopher Colombo! He's ownhandwriting, write by himself!"
Then the doctor laid the document down and said, "Why，I have seen boys in America only fourteen year sold that could write better man that."
"But zis is ze great Christo—"
"I don't care who it is! It's the worst writing I ever saw．Now you mustn't think you can impose on us because we ares trangers．We are not fools，by a good deal． If you have gotany specimens of penmanship of real merit, trot them out! —and if you haven't, drive on!"
We drove on．The guide was considerably shaken up, buthe made one more venture． He had something which he thought would overcome us． He said, —
"Ah，genteel men, you come wis me! I show you beauti ful, O,magnificent bust Christopher Colombo!—splendid, grand, magnificent!"
He brought us before the beautiful bust, —for it was beautiful, —and sprang back and struck an attitude: —
"Ah, look, genteelmen! — beautiful, grand, — bustChristopher Colombo! Beautiful bust, beautiful pedestal!"
The doctor put up his eyeglass, — procured for such occasions: —
"Ah,—what did you say this gentleman's name was?
"Christopher Colombo! The great Christopher Colombo!"
"Christopher Colombo,— the great Christopher Colombo． Well, what did he do?"
"Discover America! — discover America, O, the devil!"
"Discover America．No,—that statement will hardly wash． We are just from America ourselves． We heard nothing about it． Christopher Colombo，— pleasant name，—is—is he dead?"
"O, corpo di Baccho! — Three hundred year!"
"What did he die of?"
"I do not know． I cannot tell."
"Smallpox，think?"
"I do not know, genteel men,— I do not know what he die of．"
"Measles, likely?"
"Maybe,— maybe． I do not know,— I think he die of some things."
"Parents living?"
"Im—posseeble!"
"Ah,— winch is the bust and which is the pedestal?"
"Santa Maria! — zis ze bust!— zis ze pedestal！"
"Ah, I see, I see, —happy combination, —very happy combination indeed． Is—is this the first time this gentle manwas ever on a bust?"
That joke was lost on the foreigner, — guides cannot master the subtleties of the American joke．
We have made it interesting for this Roman guide． Yesterday we spent three or four hours in the Vatican again, that wonderful world of curiosities． We came very near expressing interest sometimes, even admiration． It was hard to keep fromit． We succeeded, though． Nobody else ever did, in the Vati can museums．The guide was bewildered, non plussed． He walk6d his legs off, nearly, hunting up extraordinary things, and exhausted all his ingenuity on us, but it was a failure；we never showed any interest in anything． He had reserved what he considered to be his greatest wonder till the last, —a royal Egyptian mummy, the best preserved in the world, perhaps．He took us there． He felt so sure， this time, that some of his old enthusiasm came back to him: —
"See, genteel man!— Mummy！ Mummy！”
The eyeglass came up as calmly, as deliberately as ever．
"Ah, —Fer gusoh, — what did I understand you to say the gentleman's name was?
"Name? — he got no name! Mummy! — Gyp tian mum my!"
"Yes, yes．Born here?"
"No．Gyptian mummy．"
"Ah, just so． Frenchman, I presume?"
"No! —not Frenchman, not Roman! —born in Egypta!"
"Born in Egypta． Never heard of Egypta before．Foreign locality， likely． Mummy，—mummy． How calm he is, howself possessed! Is—ah!—is he dead?"
"O, sacre bleu! been dead three thous an year!"
The doctor turned on him savagely: —
"Here, now, what do you mean by such conduct as this? Playing us for China men because we are strangers and trying tolearn! Trying to impose your vile secondhand carcasses on us! Thunder and lightning! I've a notion to— to—If you've go ta nice fresh corpse, fetch him out! — or，by George, we'll brain you!"
We make it exceedingly interesting for this Frenchman．However, he has paid us back, partly, without knowing it．He came to the hotel this morning to ask if we were up, and heende avored, as well as he could, to describe us, so that thelandlord would know which persons he meant． He finished with the casual remark that we were lunatics． The observation was so innocent and so honest that it amounted to a very good thing for a guide to say．
Our Roman Ferguson is the most patient, unsuspecting, long suffering subject we have had yet． We shall be sorry to part with him． We have enjoyed his society very much．We trust he has enjoyed ours，but we are harassed with doubts．
我們在熱那亞和羅馬的向導
馬克·吐溫
歐洲向導都懂得點英國話，剛好能把一切攪得亂七八糟，弄得人家摸不到頭腦。那套故事——那套用來指點人家參觀 雕塑、繪畫、大教堂等類名勝奇跡的掌故，他們都背熟了。什么都曉得，就像鸚哥一樣學說出來—如果給人家一打岔，把話岔到題外，他們就得回過頭來，重新說起。 他們專門雇來給參觀奇珍異寶的外國人當向導聽客人贊美幾句。好聽上勁兒的贊美是人之常情。正是因為這個道理，孩子才會當著人 面說些“俏皮”話，干些荒唐事，才會想其它法子“賣弄”一 下。正是因為這個道理，碎嘴子才會冒著狂風暴雨出去，搶先 說件聳人聽聞的消息。向導的特權就是天天指點外邦人看看 名勝古跡，博得人家欣喜若狂的大事贊美，那么，請想一想，他怎會不渴望人家這么贊美幾聲呵！他聽慣了贊美，所以碰到人家稍為冷淡，他就絕對受不了。我們發(fā)現(xiàn)這點以后，每當向導領我們到什么偉大壯麗的名勝面前，我們就再也不欣喜若狂，對什么再也不加贊美，只裝出一副無動于衷的臉色，傻里傻氣地漠不關心。我們找到他們的弱點了，就此大大利用，時時惹得有些向導火冒三丈，可我們倒始終心平氣和。
通常都由醫(yī)生提問題，因為他能不動聲色，看來比天下任何人都像個通靈白癡，說話的聲調也比任何人都透著傻氣。這在他身上倒是渾然天生。
熱那亞的向導專愛招攬美國人的旅行團，因為美國人面對哥倫布的遺跡，總是驚訝萬分，總是感慨多端，熱情奔放。我們那個向導可坐不定，立不安，活像吞了個彈簧墊子。他渾身是勁，滿心焦急。他說：
“肯我來，各位憲生——來！我給你們看克利斯朵夫·哥郎波寫得信！——親自寫得！——親手寫得！——來！”
他把我們帶到市政廳。拼命掏了那么多回鑰匙，開了那么多道鎖，那封污穢的古老文件終于攤在我們面前。向導眼睛閃閃發(fā)光。他在我們身邊跳來蹦去，手指彈彈那張羊皮紙：
“瞧我說的，各位憲生！可不是？瞧！克利斯朵夫·哥郎波親筆——親自寫得！”
我們臉色冷峻，漠不關心。在這段令人難熬的冷場中，醫(yī)生不慌不忙地把這文件研究了一番。看后絲毫不表興趣地說：
“啊——福開森——你——你—一你剛說寫這玩藝的家伙叫什么名字來的？”
“克利斯朵夫·哥郎波！偉大的克利斯朵夫·哥郎波！”199
又不慌不忙地研究了一通。
“啊——是他親自寫的，還是——還是怎么的？”
“他親自寫得——克利斯朵夫·哥郎波！他親筆字，親自寫得！”
于是醫(yī)生放下那文件說：
“唉，在美國我看到過，十四歲小孩寫的字，也比這高明得多呢。”
“可則是偉大的克利斯朵——”
“我不管他是誰！我還是頭一次見到這么糟的書法呢。你可別想哄我們外邦人。我們絕對不是傻瓜。你要有什么貨真價實的墨寶，就拿出來看看！——要沒有，那就趕車吧！”
我們就趕車走了。向導給大大奚落了一頓，可他還是豁著再試一下。他有套法寶，自以為能說服我們。他說：
“啊，各位憲生！肯我來吧！我給你們看看漂亮的，喔，壯嚴的克利斯朵夫·哥郎波胸像！——又雄偉，又神氣，又壯嚴！”
他把我們帶到那座漂亮的胸像跟前——因為這確是漂亮——就一箭步跳開，裝模作樣地說：
“啊，瞧，各位憲生！——真漂亮，真神氣，——克利斯朵夫·哥郎波胸像！——多漂亮的胸像，多漂亮的座子！”
醫(yī)生戴上了單眼鏡——是特地為派這用場才買的：
“啊——你剛說這位先生叫什么來的？”
“克利斯朵夫·哥郎波！——偉大的克利斯朵夫·哥郎波！”
“克利斯朵夫·哥郎波——偉大的克利斯朵夫·哥郎波。呃，他是干什么的？”
“發(fā)見美洲！——發(fā)見美洲，喔，滑見鬼！”
“發(fā)見美洲。不——那話簡直靠不住。我們就是剛從美洲來的。我們可沒聽說過。克利斯朵夫·哥郎波——名字倒好聽——他——他死了嗎？”
“喔，活見鬼！——三百年啦！”
“他怎么死的？”
“我不知道！——我說不上。”
“想來是出天花吧？”
“我不知道，各位憲生！——我不知道他怎么死得！”
“大概出痧子吧？”
“恐怕是的——恐怕是的——我不知道——我看他總是得什么病死得。”
“父母還活著嗎？”
“不——苦能！”
“啊——哪是胸像，哪是座子？”
“天吶！——則系胸像！——則系座子！”
“啊，有數(shù)了，有數(shù)了——配得妙——實在配得妙透。這——這位先生是不是頭一回在胸像上？”
外國人可不懂那種笑話——向導對美國式笑話的妙處可領會不了。
我們弄得這羅馬向導啼笑皆非。昨天我們又到梵蒂岡，在那座稀世珍品的寶庫中消磨了三四個鐘頭。我們往往忍不住流露出感興趣的神情，甚至流露出欣賞的眼光，這可很難熬住，但到底熬住了。因為在梵蒂岡博物館里，可沒人不感興趣的。向導真弄糊涂了——不知怎么辦是好。他到處獵取奇珍異寶，差點跑斷了腿，把全部聰明都用在我們身上，可就是無濟于事；我們對任何東西都不流露任何興趣。直到最后，他才把自以為最神奇的東西搬出來——一具埃及皇族的木乃伊，也許是世界上保存得最好的一具吧。他把我們帶到那兒。這回，他信心十足，原來那副熱情多少又恢復了：
“瞧，各位憲生！——木乃伊！木乃伊！”
醫(yī)生照舊平心靜氣、不慌不忙地戴上單眼鏡。
“啊，——福開森——我剛聽你說這位先生叫什么名字來的？”
“名字？——他沒名字！——木乃伊！——阿及木乃伊！”
“對，對。本地人？”
“不！阿及木乃伊！”
“啊，原來這樣。大概是法國人吧！”
“不！——不是法國人，不是羅馬人！——生在埃及塔！”
“生在埃及塔。從沒聽說過埃及塔這地方。恐怕是外國地方吧。木乃伊——木乃伊。他多鎮(zhèn)靜——他多沉著。他，呃——他死了嗎？”
“唉，真見鬼，死三千年啦！”
醫(yī)生惡狠狠地對他回過頭來：
“喂，喂，你這樣做算什么意思！見我們是外邦人，想長長見識，就當我們土老兒耍弄嗎！想拿陳年臭尸體騙我們！——真正豈有此理，我曉得—曉—你要是有好看的新鮮活死人，就拿出來！——不然的話，哼哼，我們就叫你腦袋開花！”
我們弄得這法國人實在啼笑皆非。誰知，他不知不覺中，多少給我們一報還一報。今天早晨他上旅館里來打聽我們起身了沒有，接著盡力把我們的樣子形容一通，好讓旅館老板弄懂他說的是誰。臨了還信口說我們是瘋子。這話說得那么天真，那么老實，真不愧是個向導說的。
我們碰到的向導中，要數(shù)這個羅馬福開森最有耐性了，深信不疑，逆來順受。大家真舍不得跟他分手。有他作陪，實在非常高興。我們相信他有我們做伴也高興，可我們卻滿腹狐疑，傷透腦筋。
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