Esther Perel： The secret to desire in a long-term relationship

對長期伴侶保持欲望的秘訣

So, why does good sex so often fade, even for couples who continue to love each other as much as ever? And why does good intimacy not guarantee good sex, contrary to popular belief? Or, the next question would be, can we want what we already have? That's the million-dollar question, right? And why is the forbidden so erotic? What is it about transgression that makes desire so potent? And why does sex make babies, and babies spell erotic disaster in couples? It's kind of the fatal erotic blow, isn't it? And when you love, how does it feel? And when you desire, how is it different?

為何性愛的激情那么容易褪色？ 就算是那些愛得如膠似漆的夫婦也無一例外。 為何親密的愛情也無法維持激情的色彩呢？ 這和我們普遍對性生活與愛情的關系的認知相違背。 或者說，換第二個問題: 我們能留住我們現有的性生活頻率嗎？ 這可是個很值得研究的問題，對吧? 再者，為什么偷腥會令人如此激情彭拜? 又是什么東西令人在偷嘗云雨之情時有如此旺盛的性欲呢？ 又是為何性愛孕育了兒女 而兒女卻最終反過來卻成為夫妻性愛的災難呢？ 這對于性欲可是種致命的打擊，不是么？ 還有，當你愛時，你有什么感受? 并且當你產生欲望時，這種感受又會有什么不同的變化?

These are some of the questions that are at the center of my exploration on the nature of erotic desire and its concomitant dilemmas in modern love. So I travel the globe, and what I'm noticing is that everywhere where romanticism has entered, there seems to be a crisis of desire. A crisis of desire, as in owning the wanting -- desire as an expression of our individuality, of our free choice, of our preferences, of our identity -- desire that has become a central concept as part of modern love and individualistic societies.

這些都是 我今天想要探討的問題 -----探索現代愛情中人類的原始性沖動 和其伴隨而來的困境 為了這一研究，我去了很多國家 而我注意到 凡是浪漫的國度 都面臨著性欲消退的危機。 欲望消退危機----正如我們的需要一樣, 性欲作為我們對自身個體的表達： 是對于我們的自由選擇、偏好和身份的一種需要 性欲已經成為 現代愛情和崇尚個人主義的社會的核心概念

You know, this is the first time in the history of humankind where we are trying to experience sexuality in the long term, not because we want 14 children, for which we need to have even more because many of them won't make it, and not because it is exclusively a woman's marital duty. This is the first time that we want sex over time about pleasure and connection that is rooted in desire.

要知道，這是人類歷史上首次 我們長期體驗性愛 不是為了生一大堆孩子,比如說14個。 -----或許我們部分人可能要生養育更多，以防很多可能會夭折， 也不是源于女人生兒育女的天職。 人類第一次將我需要性的觀點超越了僅僅是體內的性欲在作怪 是因為性愛能給人們帶來愉悅和穩定的關系。

So what sustains desire, and why is it so difficult? And at the heart of sustaining desire in a committed relationship, I think is the reconciliation of two fundamental human needs. On the one hand, our need for security, for predictability, for safety, for dependability, for reliability, for permanence -- all these anchoring, grounding experiences of our lives that we call home.

那么,究竟是什么在維持著人的性欲?而維持性欲為何又這么難呢？ 要維持夫妻關系中的性欲的關鍵 我認為在于協調兩種人類的基本需求。 一方面，是我們對安全、可預測性、 安全感、可靠性、可依賴感和對永恒的需要。 所有這些生活中能為我們提供所需的厚實而安穩的體驗的地方 就是我們所說的"家"。

But we also have an equally strong need -- men and women -- for adventure, for novelty, for mystery, for risk, for danger, for the unknown, for the unexpected, surprise -- you get the gist -- for journey, for travel. So reconciling our need for security and our need for adventure into one relationship, or what we today like to call a passionate marriage, used to be a contradiction in terms. Marriage was an economic institution in which you were given a partnership for life in terms of children and social status and succession and companionship. But now we want our partner to still give us all these things, but in addition I want you to be my best friend and my trusted confidant and my passionate lover to boot, and we live twice as long.

但同時, 無論男女, 我們,還有另一種強烈的需要 ---那就是對冒險，對新奇事物，神秘、危險、風險 以及對未知有的、預料之外和驚喜的渴望。 我的意思是我們喜歡出游，旅行 這就意味著在一段關系中，要協調我們對安穩感的需求 和對獵奇的需要， 我們今天稱之為 “有激情的婚姻” 過去曾是相互矛盾的的兩個方面 婚姻曾經是一種經濟制度 你可以從中獲得某種合作關系, 它一般以孩子，社會地位 繼承權以及同伴的形式出現。 可如今，我們在希望我們的伴侶可以繼續提供這些的同時 又要求他們成為我們的知己 做我們可交心的伴侶和激情四射的情人 甚至還想長生不老呢

(Laughter) 

 （笑聲）

So we come to one person, and we basically are asking them to give us what once an entire village used to provide: Give me belonging, give me identity, give me continuity, but give me transcendence and mystery and awe all in one. Give me comfort, give me edge. Give me novelty, give me familiarity. Give me predictability, give me surprise. And we think it's a given, and toys and lingerie are going to save us with that. (Applause)

 所以,當我碰到我們的另一半時，我們簡直在向對方要求 給我們這些過去原本一整個村莊才能提供的東西： 如財產，名份，至死不渝的忠貞愛情, 同時你還得讓我覺得你是卓爾不群，有神秘感和有敬畏心。 安撫我的同時帶給我刺激。 給我新鮮感的同時又要保持親密。 讓我過安穩的日子的同時還要能給我驚喜。 多數人認為這是奉獻，性玩具和性感睡衣就能解決這些問題。 （掌聲）

So now we get to the existential reality of the story, right? Because I think, in some way -- and I'll come back to that -- but the crisis of desire is often a crisis of the imagination.

現在我們應該說清楚性愛激情的現實部分了,對吧? 我覺得，從某種角度講-- 一會我們再會回到這個話題 其實欲望危機就是想象力的危機。

So why does good sex so often fade? What is the relationship between love and desire? How do they relate, and how do they conflict? Because therein lies the mystery of eroticism.

那么為什么美妙的性愛體驗容易消散呢？ 愛和欲之間的聯系到底是什么呢？ 它們是怎樣聯系起來的，又是怎么相互沖突的呢？ 橫亙在這兩者之間的是性欲的奧秘。

So if there is a verb, for me, that comes with love, it's "to have." And if there is a verb that comes with desire, it is "to want." In love, we want to have, we want to know the beloved. We want to minimize the distance. We want to contract that gap. We want to neutralize the tensions. We want closeness. But in desire, we tend to not really want to go back to the places we've already gone. Forgone conclusion does not keep our interest. In desire, we want an Other, somebody on the other side that we can go visit, that we can go spend some time with, that we can go see what goes on in their red light district. In desire, we want a bridge to cross. Or in other words, I sometimes say, fire needs air. Desire needs space. And when it's said like that, it's often quite abstract.

如果要我用一個動詞來描述愛，那就是“擁有" 而對于性欲,我想用"索求"來描述最恰當不過了。 在愛情中，我們想要擁有，我們想要了解我們的愛人 我們想膩在一起，想跨越阻礙 我們想調和不安的情緒，我們想親密無間。 而在性欲方面，我們不想回到我們已經經歷過的地方。 過時的結論提不起我們的興趣。 在性欲方面，我們想找的是我們的另一半，一個在彼岸,一個我們想去探索的另一半。 一個我們想呆在一起的另一半 和一個我們能探索其癮秘的內心世界的另一半 在性欲中，我們想找的是一座溝通的橋梁。 換言之，“一個巴掌拍不響啊” 性欲也需要空間。 這樣說或許有點抽象吧。

But then I took a question with me. And I've gone to more than 20 countries in the last few years with "Mating in Captivity," and I asked people, when do you find yourself most drawn to your partner? Not attracted sexually, per se, but most drawn. And across culture, across religion, and across gender -- except for one -- there are a few answers that just keep coming back.

帶著一個問題 幾年間我帶著"Mating in Captivity" 這本書走訪了20多個國家 每到一處，我都會問人們: "你什么時候最喜歡和愛人呆在一起？" 我說的是呆在一起而不是一起性愛 來自不同文化、不同地區、不同性別的人 除一個有點例外，其它人給我的回答不外如是

So the first group is: I am most drawn to my partner when she is away, when we are apart, when we reunite. Basically, when I get back in touch with my ability to imagine myself with my partner, when my imagination comes back in the picture, and when I can root it in absence and in longing, which is a major component of desire. But then the second group is even more interesting: I am most drawn to my partner when I see him in the studio, when she is onstage, when he is in his element, when she's doing something she's passionate about, when I see him at a party and other people are really drawn to him, when I see her hold court.

第一組：最想和愛人在一起的時候 是愛人不在身邊的時候、是分開的時候或是小別重逢時。 也就是，當我能用我的想象力 想像我和愛人在一起的時候， 當我的想像力能回到這方面來的時候， 當愛人不在而我又想要的時候 這就是性欲的主要組成部分 然而，另一組回答更有趣。 我最想和愛人在一起的時候 是當我看到他在錄影棚工作、在舞臺上表演的時候、 當他在做正經事的時候、當他在做她感興趣的事情的時候， 當我看到他在party上謎倒一大堆人的時候 當她開庭的時候。

Basically, when I look at my partner radiant and confident, probably the biggest turn-on across the board. Radiant, as in self-sustaining. I look at this person -- by the way, in desire people rarely talk about it, when we are blended into one, five centimeters from each other. I don't know in inches how much that is. But it's also not when the other person is that far apart that you no longer see them. It's when I'm looking at my partner from a comfortable distance, where this person that is already so familiar, so known, is momentarily once again somewhat mysterious, somewhat elusive. And in this space between me and the other lies the erotic élan, lies that movement toward the other. 

 一般而言，當我看到我的愛人光芒四射而又自信的時候 這就是最大的刺激物了。 光芒四射，在自我維系中也如此。 在欲望中， 我看這個人 人們很少談論這些, 當我們粘在一起的時候 也就是相隔5厘米左右的時候---說實在的我不知道是幾厘米 但是,這種分別并不是說相隔太遠 以至于以后都不能相見。 而是我能在一個比較合適的距離看著我愛的人 那個我熟悉和相知的， 還帶有點神秘,有點難以捉摸的人。

Because sometimes, as Proust says, mystery is not about traveling to new places, but it's about looking with new eyes. And so, when I see my partner on his own or her own, doing something in which they are enveloped, I look at this person and I momentarily get a shift in perception, and I stay open to the mysteries that are living right next to me.

 我和愛人之間的距離成了一條性欲的紐帶 也造成了我們的相互走動 因為有時候，正如Proust說的那樣 發現奧秘不一定要到一個新的地方去， 而只要我們有新視角就行。 所以，當我們看到我們的另一半獨自 在忙自己的事的時候。 看著他我會對他有一種新的了解和認識， 而我對我身過的一些奧秘是常懷著關注之情的。

And then, more importantly, in this description about the other or myself -- it's the same -- what is most interesting is that there is no neediness in desire. Nobody needs anybody. There is no caretaking in desire. Caretaking is mightily loving. It's a powerful anti-aphrodisiac. I have yet to see somebody who is so turned on by somebody who needs them. Wanting them is one thing. Needing them is a shutdown, and women have known that forever, because anything that will bring up parenthood will usually decrease the erotic charge. For good reasons, right?

更重要的是，對別人的了解 或者對自己的了解, 都一樣. 最有趣的是，這不需要性欲。 沒有誰需要誰。 性欲不存在誰照顧誰的問題。 照顧是一種了不起的大愛，是一種強大的崔情藥 我還看到一些人的性欲 是被那些需要他們的人喚起的 想要是一回事，但需要會令人性趣索然 這點女人最清楚了， 因為任何母性有關的東西 都會降低性欲。 很有道理，是不是?

And then the third group of answers usually would be when I'm surprised, when we laugh together, as somebody said to me in the office today, when he's in his tux, so I said, you know, it's either the tux or the cowboy boots. But basically it's when there is novelty. But novelty isn't about new positions. It isn't a repertoire of techniques. Novelty is, what parts of you do you bring out? What parts of you are just being seen?

第三類回答是: 當我感到驚喜時，當我們一起大笑時會性趣大發， 比如說，今天有人在我的辦公室告訴我， 當他穿著無尾半正式晚禮服時最有感覺了 其實性欲與晚禮服或牛仔靴無關 而是與獵奇有關。 但新奇并不只意味著新的體位，也不是五花八門的性愛技巧 新奇是,你將自已的哪一面展現出來？ 你的哪一面你的愛人熟悉？

Because in some way one could say sex isn't something you do, eh? Sex is a place you go. It's a space you enter inside yourself and with another, or others. So where do you go in sex? What parts of you do you connect to? What do you seek to express there? Is it a place for transcendence and spiritual union? Is it a place for naughtiness and is it a place to be safely aggressive? Is it a place where you can finally surrender and not have to take responsibility for everything? Is it a place where you can express your infantile wishes? What comes out there? It's a language. It isn't just a behavior. And it's the poetic of that language that I'm interested in, which is why I began to explore this concept of erotic intelligence.

 因為在某種程度上，我們會說 性交并不專指性交活動，對吧? 性交過程其實像你在去一個地方 是一個進入自己或對方體內的過程。 因此，性交時何去何從？ 你們身體的哪一部分有接觸? 你們想在那里表達些什么？ 那是一個表現性愛技巧和精神合一的地方嗎？ 那是一個俏皮掏蛋的地方呢還是一個略帶點侵略性質的地方呢？ 還是一個你最后放棄 不想負責任的地方呢? 它是不是一個你可以表達你孩子氣的地方呢？ 性愛到底是什么？ 其實性交是一種語言。 不是一種行為。 而我，正是對這一充滿詩意的性交語言感興趣 這就是為什么我要探討"性商"這一概念。

You know, animals have sex. It's the pivot, it's biology, it's the natural instinct. We are the only ones who have an erotic life, which means that it's sexuality transformed by the human imagination. We are the only ones who can make love for hours, have a blissful time, multiple orgasms, and touch nobody, just because we can imagine it. We can hint at it.

要知道，動物也性交。 而動物的性交是傳宗接代的，是生物的，是一種自然的天性。 人類是唯一過性生活的物種， 所謂性生活完全是人類想象出來的東西 人類也是唯一能持續幾個小時做愛 有幸福時光，有多次高潮 而沒有身體撫摸的動物，因為人類能想象出這些東西。

We don't even have to do it. We can experience that powerful thing called anticipation, which is a mortar to desire, the ability to imagine it, as if it's happening, to experience it as if it's happening, while nothing is happening and everything is happening at the same time.

我們可以用意念來交歡，根本就不用直接的身體接觸。 我們能體驗強大的性期待 那可是性欲的動機， 能想得到的，它就可以是發生的 能體驗到好像正在發生的，而實際上卻沒發生任何事 所有這些都可以同時發生

So when I began to think about eroticism, I began to think about the poetics of sex, and if I look at it as an intelligence, then it's something that you cultivate. What are the ingredients? Imagination, playfulness, novelty, curiosity, mystery. But the central agent is really that piece called the imagination.

所以，當我想到性興奮時， 我就會想到性愛的美妙。 而如果我把它看作一種“智商” 那么，它就應該是你應該培養的東西。 性商包括什么呢？想象力、情趣、 新鮮感、好奇心和神秘感。 但其核心是想象力。

But more importantly, for me to begin to understand who are the couples who have an erotic spark, what sustains desire, I had to go back to the original definition of eroticism, the mystical definition, and I went through it through a bifurcation by looking actually at trauma, which is the other side, and I looked at it looking at the community that I had grown up in, which was a community in Belgium, all Holocaust survivors, and in my community there were two groups: those who didn't die, and those who came back to life.

但更重要的是，如果說我要弄清楚 哪些夫婦有性火花， 什么東西方維系著性愛, 我必須得回顧一下 性愛的最原始的定義, 這一最神秘的定義，我經歷過的 以一種分岐，通過創傷來看 這就是另一面，讓我來看看 看看我成長的社區

And those who didn't die lived often very tethered to the ground, could not experience pleasure, could not trust, because when you're vigilant, worried, anxious, and insecure, you can't lift your head to go and take off in space and be playful and safe and imaginative. Those who came back to life were those who understood the erotic as an antidote to death. They knew how to keep themselves alive. And when I began to listen to the sexlessness of the couples that I work with, I sometimes would hear people say, "I want more sex," but generally people want better sex, and better is to reconnect with that quality of aliveness, of vibrancy, of renewal, of vitality, of eros, of energy that sex used to afford them, or that they've hoped it would afford them.

那是一個在比利時的社區，所有人都是大屠殺的幸存者 在這個社區里，有兩類人： 一類是沒有死過的，另一類是死后重生的 那些沒死過的人一般都很現實 無法體會快感，不信任人 因為他們過于謹慎、杞人憂天、焦慮 沒有安全感，不能自信地 在性愛中解放自我，沒有情趣，沒安全感也缺乏想象力。 那些劫后余生的人 他們把性事當作忘卻死亡的解藥。 他們知道怎樣讓自己活下去。 當我聽到我的那些無性生活的同事的故事時 有時我聽到別人說：我想要更多的性生活。 但很多時候，人們更在意性生活的質量, 最好的是能過傳統意義上性生活能提供給他們的活力、 新鮮感、動感、和充滿動力的性愛 或者他們希望 能得到這性愛。

And so I began to ask a different question. "I shut myself off when ..." began to be the question. "I turn off my desires when ..." which is not the same question as, "What turns me of is ..." and "You turn me off when ..." And people began to say, "I turn myself off when I feel dead inside, when I don't like my body, when I feel old, when I haven't had time for myself, when I haven't had a chance to even check in with you, when I don't perform well at work, when I feel low self esteem, when I don't have a sense of self-worth, when I don't feel like I have a right to want, to take, to receive pleasure."

所以，我會問另一個問題： 我何時不會有性欲。 我何時會壓制自已的性欲。 是什么令我毫無性欲。你何時令我性欲全無。 人們會回答說：當我心死時、當我不再喜歡我自己的身體時 我對性也就沒有任何興趣了。 當我感覺自己老了，當我沒有自己的時間了， 當我沒機會和你去開房時， 當我工作毫無業績可言時， 當我沒有了自尊、當我覺得沒有了個人價值時， 當我覺得我已經沒有權力去想，去獲得 和去接受這種快感受時

And then I began to ask the reverse question. "I turn myself on when ..." Because most of the time, people like to ask the question, "You turn me on, what turns me on," and I'm out of the question. You know? Now, if you are dead inside, the other person can do a lot of things for Valentine's. It won't make a dent. There is nobody at the reception desk. (Laughter) So I turn myself on when, I turn my desires, I wake up when ...

然后，我會反過來問： 我何時會性趣大發。因為很多時候 人們喜歡問這類問題：你令我興奮 什么使我興奮? 我不可能興奮的，對吧？ 但如果你已經心死了，你的另一半可以為你們的情人節做很多事啊！ 沒有人知道的， 前臺沒有人呢。 （笑聲） 所以，我讓自己興奮 我喚醒自己的性欲，我起來時。。。

Now, in this paradox between love and desire, what seems to be so puzzling is that the very ingredients that nurture love -- mutuality, reciprocity, protection, worry, responsibility for the other -- are sometimes the very ingredients that stifle desire. Because desire comes with a host of feelings that are not always such favorites of love: jealousy, possessiveness, aggression, power, dominance, naughtiness, mischief. Basically most of us will get turned on at night by the very same things that we will demonstrate against during the day. You know, the erotic mind is not very politically correct.

在愛與欲這對矛盾體里 令人不解的是那些滋潤著愛的養分------ 相依相伴、互惠、 愛護有加、擔心、和為對方肩負起來的責任 這些東西有時也會抑制性欲。 因為，性欲來自于一系列的 并非全是愛的情感： 比如說妒忌、占有欲、冒犯、權力、支配 俏皮、搗蛋等等。 一般來說，大多數人晚上都會有性興奮 其實白天也一樣可能會有性興奮 性想法在政治上不算很合適

If everybody was fantasizing on a bed of roses, we wouldn't be having such interesting talks about this. But no, in our mind up there are a host of things going on that we don't always know how to bring to the person that we love, because we think love comes with selflessness and in fact desire comes with a certain amount of selfishness in the best sense of the word: the ability to stay connected to one's self in the presence of another.

 如果每個人都能躺在床上想著滿床的玖瑰 那我們今天就沒有必要來聽這個演講了。 但其實并不然，在我們心底的某個角落, 有著一些我們不知道的東西 不知道怎么樣將這些東西告訴我們的愛人， 這是因為，我們認為愛是自私的， 而性欲在很大程度上出于我們的自私 如果說非得這么說的話 自私就是和別人在一起的時候 只顧自我的感受。

So I want to draw that little image for you, because this need to reconcile these two sets of needs, we are born with that. Our need for connection, our need for separateness, or our need for security and adventure, or our need for togetherness and for autonomy, and if you think about the little kid who sits on your lap and who is cozily nested here and very secure and comfortable, and at some point all of us need to go out into the world to discover and to explore. That's the beginning of desire, that exploratory needs curiosity, discovery. And then at some point they turn around and they look at you, and if you tell them, "Hey kiddo, the world's a great place. Go for it. There's so much fun out there," then they can turn away and they can experience connection and separateness at the same time. They can go off in their imagination, off in their body, off in their playfulness, all the while knowing that there's somebody when they come back.

所以，讓我稍為概括一下 因為這需要調和一下我們與生俱來的東西 這兩種需要。 也就是聯系的需要，分離的需要 或者安全和冒險的需要 團聚的需要、自我管理的需要 如果你想像一下，有個小孩坐在你大腿上 他舒服地坐在那里，既安全又舒適 而在某種程度上，我們每個人都需要走出去 去發現、去探索. 這就是性欲的來源, 探索需要好奇心和發現。 然后，在某時，他們會轉過身來問看著你， 如果你對他們說： “嘿，老兄，這個世界太美妙了，去享受它吧” 那兒有太多樂趣了。 然后他們會去探索，同時去體驗 團聚和分離。 他們會開動想象力和調動他們的身體 動起嬉鬧的念想，想著 回至家時愛人在等待。

But if on this side there is somebody who says, "I'm worried. I'm anxious. I'm depressed. My partner hasn't taken care of me in so long. What's so good out there? Don't we have everything you need together, you and I?" then there are a few little reactions that all of us can pretty much recognize. Some of us will come back, came back a long time ago, and that little child who comes back is the child who will forgo a part of himself in order not to lose the other. I will lose my freedom in order not to lose connection. And I will learn to love in a certain way that will become burdened with extra worry and extra responsibility and extra protection, and I won't know how to leave you in order to go play, in order to go experience pleasure, in order to discover, to enter inside myself.

但也有人會說： 我很擔心、我很焦慮、我感到無比壓抑 我和愛人很久都不理不睬了。 那里有什么好呢？我們兩人在一起不就什么都有了嗎？ 就你和我？ 這就會引起一引起小反應 我們很多人都能識別 我們有些人會回到從前，很久很久以前 那些想要回到從前的小孩 就是那些想放棄部分自我的小孩 為了不失去對方 要想不失去愛，我就得失去自由 而我又得學會用某種方式去愛 這會導致我們過度擔心、 過大的責任和過度的保護而不堪重負 而我又不知道怎么放手 讓你去享受、去體驗快感， 讓你去發現，去進入我的內心世界 這要用成年人的語言來理解。

Translate this into adult language. It starts very young. It continues into our sex lives up to the end. Child number two comes back but looks like that over their shoulder all the time. "Are you going to be there? Are you going to curse me? Are you going to scold me? Are you going to be angry with me?" And they may be gone, but they're never really away, and those are often the people that will tell you, in the beginning it was super hot. Because in the beginning, the growing intimacy wasn't yet so strong that it actually led to the decrease of desire. The more connected I became, the more responsible I felt, the less I was able to let go in your presence. The third child doesn't really come back.

 性欲從我們很小時候就有，它會陪我們進入我們的性生活期 直至我們老死。 第二個孩子回來 但伏在他們的肩上。 你快到了嗎？ 你會詛罵我嗎？你會責備我嗎？ 你會生我的氣嗎？ 這些或許都不見了，但他們永遠都不會遠離， 這些就是人們常會和你說的 開始時會很狂熱。 因為剛開始時，親密感 還沒有這么強烈 而恰恰是親密會削弱性欲。 聯系越緊密，覺得責任越大 越不會放手讓你走 第三個孩子不會真正的回來

So what happens, if you want to sustain desire, it's that real dialectic piece. On the one hand you want the security in order to be able to go. On the other hand if you can't go, you can't have pleasure, you can't culminate, you don't have an orgasm, you don't get excited because you spend your time in the body and the head of the other and not in your own.

那會怎樣？如果你想保持性欲 這是一種真正的辯證法。 一方面，為了享受性愛，你需要安全感。 另一方面，如果你沒有性愛，你不會享受到快感， 不會有性亢奮，不會有高潮 你不會興奮，因為你花太多的時間在別人的身體上 或心理上，而忽略了自己的身體和想法。

So in this dilemma about reconciling these two sets of fundamental needs, there are a few things that I've come to understand erotic couples do. One, they have a lot of sexual privacy. They understand that there is an erotic space that belongs to each of them. They also understand that foreplay is not something you do five minutes before the real thing. Foreplay pretty much starts at the end of the previous orgasm. They also understand that an erotic space isn't about, you begin to stroke the other. It's about you create a space where you leave Management Inc., maybe where you leave the agile program,

因此，在妥協的兩難中， 這兩種基本的需要， 讓我解理了性福夫婦的一些做法。 首先，他們有很多性癮私。 他們明白各人都應該有 各自的空間。 他們也清楚前戲并不是 你在性交前5分鐘所做的事。 前戲應該從你上一次高潮結束之后就開始了。 他們同時也明白，性愛空間并不是 你開始撫摸對方 性愛是指你開設一個空間，就象經營一間大公司一樣 在那里有你靈活的管理計劃。

(Laughter) 

 （笑聲）

and you actually just enter that place where you stop being the good citizen who is taking care of things and being responsible. Responsibility and desire just butt heads. They don't really do well together. Erotic couples also understand that passion waxes and wanes. It's pretty much like the moon. It has intermittent eclipses. But what they know is they know how to resurrect it. They know how to bring it back, and they know how to bring it back because they have demystified one big myth, which is the myth of spontaneity, which is that it's just going to fall from heaven while you're folding the laundry like a deus ex machina, and in fact they understood that whatever is going to just happen in a long-term relationship already has.

而你實際上只進入那個地方 然后像個好市民一樣停下來 誰來處理這些問題，誰來為這負責任。 責任和性欲倆都只能硬碰硬 他們不會合作。 有性福的夫婦也明白，激情會慢慢退化。 性欲這東西就很像月亮一樣有陰晴圓缺。 但是，他們知道怎么恢復它。 他們知道怎么樣讓它再美滿起來。 他們能這樣做是 因為他們打破了一個神話 那個自然說的神話， 性欲可能會在你的折疊衣物時突然出現 就像從天而降一樣，豪無征兆，而事實上，他們明白 無論發生什么 在一個長期的關系中

Committed sex is premeditated sex. It's willful. It's intentional. It's focus and presence.

有承諾的性愛是有預謀的性愛 是自愿的、你情我愿的 是投入的和確實存在的

Merry Valentine's.

情人節快樂

(Applause)

(掌聲）

更多 英語演講小短文、英文演講稿、英語演講稿 相關文章和資料，請繼續關注 英語作文大全