Task：Pressure on school and university students is increasing and students are pushed to study hard when they are young.Do you think it is a positive or a negative development?

看導(dǎo)入段Introduction

Today,school and university students are under heavy academic pressure and many of them are forced to study hard at an early age.

批注:collocation: heavy pressure - use “intense pressure”

分析:這個批注透露了一個對廣大雅思考生非常重要的一個信息---考官對于考生的詞匯選擇是有傾向性(preference)的!用heavy來修飾pressure是絕對可以的，在Google上搜索一下能夠找到很多例子。但考官還是認為應(yīng)該用intense pressure---因為很有可能在要表達“壓力大”這個意思的時候他首先想到是intense pressure，至于你用的這個heavy pressure可不可以呢?Maybe，但這不是他作為一個native speaker首先會想到的第一選擇，所以完全有可能在詞匯(Lexical Resource)這個部分扣你的分。

很多考生之前有一個誤區(qū)，認為表達某一個意思存在多種可能性的情況下，一定選最少見的那個。比如寫雅思作文開頭段我們經(jīng)常會寫“一些人認為……”，這里的“認為”用哪個詞表達呢?

給大家四個選擇：A. assert B. believe C. insist D. think

估計有不少人會選擇A或者C，因為覺得believe或者think太低端。

我以前看到過有雅思老師教學(xué)生說“形容一間房間很大”除了用big, spacious之外還可以用“gigantic”(看上去很不明覺厲吧?其實在英語當中根本就不會有人用gigantic來形容一間房間。這樣的教學(xué)除了讓考生雅思作文越學(xué)分數(shù)越低并對老師產(chǎn)生盲目崇拜之外不會有別的結(jié)果)

結(jié)論：在表達某一個意思存在多種選擇的情況下，選擇你最有把握的而不是最少見的!

In my opinion, it is a negative development in general.

批注：why use this phrase?

分析:我本想表達“這總體來說是一個不好的現(xiàn)象”，一開始我并不明白為何考官不準我用‘in general’，后來仔細一想，發(fā)現(xiàn)本人一不小心犯了Chinese English的錯誤：我們在中文里經(jīng)常聽到有人說“XX總體來說還是一個好同志”，但仔細一想，在英語當中諸位有聽過哪位英美人士說”I think Tom is a good guy IN GENERAL”嗎?

結(jié)論：在寫雅思議論文表達自己的觀點(Position)的時候，好就是好，不好就是不好，”……總體上是好的，但是在某些方面有些問題”是典型的中國式思維，所以表明立場的時候不要用in general或者是generally。

這篇文章我使用的是三對一結(jié)構(gòu)，因此經(jīng)過考慮之后我把上面表明立場的statement改寫成了如下形式：

In my opinion, although forced study may benefit students academically, it is likely to bring more negative effect.

再看主體部分Body

Admittedly,there can be benefits of such ‘forced study’. To be more specific, most students are likely to have improved academic performances. Forced study does work in keeping young students away from distractions such as video games or comic books and forcing them to spend more time concentrating on studies. As aresult, most students are indeed more likely to get higher scores in exams.

分析:本段為讓步段，考官未標注任何問題。說明各位完全可以放心大膽的按照此段的結(jié)構(gòu)來寫讓步段。(Development部分用的是本人獨家開發(fā)的細化思維和批判性思維來展開和分析)

Despite the benefit,potential problems should not be neglected.

考官批注：this benefit

分析:我被考官批改作文的嚴格程度嚇到了。”The”在英語里既可以指代”this”也可以指代”that”，不夠明確。試想，如果你在一家商場站在一堆衣服前跟你的朋友說“I like the dress”，基本上對方根本不知道你說的具體是面前一大堆衣服里面的哪一件。但如果你說”I like this dress”，那么很明確你說的應(yīng)該就是離你最近的目光所及之處的那件衣服。所以這里原本的”the”被改成了指代更加明確的”this”。

結(jié)論：能夠用this或者that的地方就不要用the

First of all,forced study is likely to result in psychological problems to students.

考官批注：paraphrase this

分析:上一段已經(jīng)有過用forced study開頭的句子了，因此從語言的多樣性考慮，考官要求我把這里的forced study替換掉。因此這里我把主語改成了’forcing young students to study’.

Forcing young students, who are mentally fragile in general, to study hard imposes much pressure on them.Sometimes students find the pressure so overwhelming that some of them may simply collapse or even commit suicide in the face of it.

考官批注：excellent sentences and lexical resources

分析:紅色標出的句子被考官表揚了。這個句子當中用overwhelming來形容pressure是本人較為得意的成功使用LV(Less-commonvocabulary)的典型案例。這樣的句子也非常適合雅思寫作以7分為目標的同學(xué)模仿。想知道作文7分句子要寫成什么樣?就是這樣的!

Moreover,the practice may also deteriorate students’ practical skills.

考官批注：pushing students too hard

分析:practice為什么不可以用?字典里的中文解釋明明就是“做法”啊!然而仔細一看英文解釋看出問題來了：A way of doing sth that is the USUAL or expected way in a particular organization or situation.所以確切來說practice應(yīng)該指針對某種情況通常的做法，但本文討論的逼迫學(xué)生從小拼命學(xué)習(xí)顯然并不是一個非常usual的做法。

考官批注：Such as? Give examples because this is unclear.

分析: Practical skills原本在我的理解當中就是“動手能力”的意思。考官為何說“this is unclear”呢?原來在英語當中practical skills是一個包含了很多個子集的非常籠統(tǒng)的概念。一個人很會做家務(wù)是一種practical skill，另一個會做木匠活也是一種practical skill，還有一個會做裁縫做衣服還是一種practical skill。

結(jié)論：議論文寫作當中盡可能避免使用包含很多子集的籠統(tǒng)概念。具體而言，類似于下面的句子一律禁止：

…… is beneficial for the development of the society.(具體社會的哪方面發(fā)展了?經(jīng)濟還是文化還是科技?)

….. is good for students’ comprehensive development.(哪方面?生理上還是思想上?)

As is known, the improvement of one’s practical skills is solely based on much time of practice.

考官批注：time devoted to practice

分析:沒什么好說的，是我又中式英語了……

However, when students are forced to spend their time studying all day, they are actually deprived of the opportunities to participate in practical work.

考官批注：what do you mean? give some examples/expand your point

分析:跟上面一樣，practical work同樣是一個包含了無數(shù)子集的籠統(tǒng)概念。

As a result, many students become‘nerds’who may even be unable to do any housework at all.

考官批注：you’ll need to explain what this term meansas it’s very colloquial

分析:“書呆子”在口語當中確實就是叫nerd，但雅思寫作屬于ACADEMICwriting，用詞要學(xué)術(shù)，太過于口語化的表達不宜使用。

Finally, this practice also has negative effect on students’interpersonal contact. For example, a student who is excessively immersed in studies tends to become socially awkward and often ends up having few friends.

考官批注：excellent point and clear support

分析:這一部分又得到了考官的表揚。模仿吧!少年～

最后看結(jié)論段Conclusion

To conclude, forced study may help students in improving academic performances. Nevertheless,the only benefit is obviously dwarfed by the problems it may involve. For this reason, I reaffirm my conviction that it is not advisable to force students to study hard too early.

考官批注：this is a really good ending

分析:結(jié)尾也被點名表揚了，所以argumentation結(jié)尾段就像我這樣寫就可以了!

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