華麗變身 雅思寫作烤鴨習作段落精細修改
學生版本(6分)：Violent crime is more common phenomenon in the modern city, some people claim that police carrying with guns would promote it, but I don't reckon there is no necessary link between them.
修改后版本: 7分示范 Violent crime is a rare phenomenon in modern cities. While some people claim that policemen carrying with guns would stimulate this violation, I still reckon that these two parties are closely relevant and conversely, the armed policemen would benefit to social security.
考生作文解析：Violent crime is more common phenomenon (暴力犯罪是很少見的，但是有些學生很隨便的“模板”思維就說，這是個很尋常的事情，殊不知這給考官會留下很差的邏輯不嚴謹?shù)挠∠蟆Ｐ枰薷臑椋篴 rare phenomenon 不符合常情) in the modern city, some people claim that police carrying with guns would promote(stimulate 用詞不準確)it, but I don't reckon there is no necessary link between them.
修改后版本: 7分示范 Violent crime is a rare phenomenon in modern cities.(背景句要符合事實，客觀細化描述) While some people claim that policemen carrying with guns would stimulate this ( 用代詞指代前面出現(xiàn)的名詞，是高分作文的特點，能增加句子和句子之間銜接的力度) violation( 詞匯的多樣性體現(xiàn)), i still reckon (表達觀點時候，先寫對方然后寫自己能夠句子之間的邏輯，是批判性思維的體現(xiàn)) that these two parties (用代詞指代前面出現(xiàn)的名詞，是高分作文的特點，能增加句子和句子之間銜接的力度) are closely relevant and conversely, the armed policemen would benefit to social security. (學會寫并列句and thus ,and therefore, and conversely 能有效增加句子展開的力度
學 生版本(6分)：There are several elements which could effect people’s job satisfaction. Firstly, salary is the fundamental demand of seeking a work. majority of people consider that the more money they earn the more happy they get because people can support their family better with a higher wage。
改版本答案用來回答：是哪些因素影響雇員的工作滿意度。
考生作文解析：學生的答案，語法問題一處，就是effect 是名詞，要修改成動詞affect, 這2個詞容易混淆。另外的主要問題是中國學生一般英文不注重CC 就是連貫度的問題，就是句子和句子之間的邏輯和內(nèi)在聯(lián)系不夠，即使表面上是有：外在連接詞的。
There are several contributing factors ( 直接用地道詞伙，效果更好) leading to job satisfaction. Firstly, salary is the prerequisite (直接用地道詞伙，效果更好)to the decent job as the majority of employees(寫雇員，不要再寫PEOPLE) consider that the more money they(用they 來指代前面出現(xiàn)的人，能夠提高句子和句子的銜接) earn, the more happy they will get ,which is obvious in this highly priced society.(解釋一下為什么錢重要的原因，是本段用來展開作文的理由的關(guān)鍵)
修改后版本: 7分示范 There are several contributing factors leading to job satisfaction. Firstly, salary is the prerequisite to the decent job as the majority of employees consider that the more money they earn, the more happy they will get ,which is obvious in this highly priced society.
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