1、God must love stupid people. He made SOOOOO many.
2、I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. 
3、Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. 
4、The last thing I want to do is to hurt you. But it's still on the list. 
5、If sex is a pain in the a-ss, then you're doing it wrong... 
6、The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 
7、We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police. 
8、Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. 
9、Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs. 
10、Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason. 
11、War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
12、Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
13、We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
14、 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
15、 Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
16、 My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
17、I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
18、If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
19、Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
20、 Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
21、 How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
22、 If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
23、Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
24、If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
25、Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
26、I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
27、A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
28、If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
29、 Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
30、A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
31、I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
32、Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
33、Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
34、 Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
35、A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
36、Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
37、 The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
38、A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
39、 Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
41、 Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
42、The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
43、 The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
44、To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
45、Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
46、I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
47、 Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
48、I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
49、 Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
50、I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

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