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賴世雄讀英語笑話學英語笑話之性與愛笑話(1):老馬識途(雙語)

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Unit 1 Its Advantages 老馬識途

A young vice-president of a bad had embezzled $200,000, and squandered it at the race track. The bank examiners were due the next day, and there was no way he could conceal his crime. What’s more, when he told the sad tale to his wife, she packed her bags and left him.
一位年輕的銀行副總裁挪用了二十萬美金的公款,并悉數浪費在賽馬上,銀行的督察第二天就要來視察,而他也沒辦法隱瞞他的不法行為。更糟的是,當他把此一不幸的消息告訴他老婆時,她竟收拾行李,離他而去。

Totally despondent, the young man headed for the nearest bridge and prepared to throw himself into the river. Just as he was about to leap off, a hideous old hag ran up to him, shouting for him to stop.
年輕人非常沮喪地走向離家最近的一座橋想投河自盡。就在他要跳下水時,一位面目可憎的老巫婆跑上前去,制止了他的行動。

“You don’t understand,” explained the banker, and told her about his predicament.
“你不了解我的痛苦,”銀行家說道,并且把他的困境告訴老巫婆。

“Ha-ha,” chortled the hag. “Why, that’s nothing. It just so happens that I’m a witch, and I can solve all you problems.”
“哈哈!”巫婆咯咯地笑“,那也沒什么,剛好我是個女巫,我可以解決你所有的難題。”

The witch seemed to concentrate, made some mystic signs and uttered a series of bizarre phrases.
接著女巫似乎全神專注地在空中比劃一些玄妙的符號,口中還念著一大串奇怪的話。

“There you are,” she said triumphantly. “Not only is the money returned, but there’s another $200,000 in your safe deposit box. And your wife is back at home and the whole matter has been erased from her memory.”
“你的問題我都幫你解決了,”她得意洋洋地說道“,不僅要回了你那二十萬,你的保險柜里面還多了二十萬美金!你太太也已回家,而且我已從她的記憶中除去了這件不愉快的事!”

“My God, can this really be true?” exclaimed the man.
“我的天啊,你說的是真的嗎?”那個人說道。

“Of course,” replied the hag. “But if you want to keep it true, you must do one thing. You must take me to a hotel and screw my brains out.”
“當然啦!”巫婆回答道“,但是你如果要我保持目前這個狀況的話,就必須答應我一件事,帶我到旅社并和我做愛一個晚上。”

The man gulped, for the old woman was truly hideous, and smelt horrible as well. But seeing no alternative, he did as she requested, and holding his nose and averting his eyes, performed his duty manfully all night.
那個老兄吞了一口口水,因為女巫不但長像可怕,而且渾身臭氣逼人。由于別無選擇,他答應了她的要求,整個晚上他屏住氣息,別過臉避開巫婆的視線,不停地履行他的承諾。

In the morning, as he was getting dressed, the repulsive crone turned to him and said, “Sonny, how old are you anyway?”
隔天早上,銀行家正在穿衣服,那令人厭惡的丑老太婆面向他問道“:小老弟,你究竟多大年紀呢?”

“Thirty-three,” replied the executive.
“三十三,”老兄答道。

“And don’t you think you’re a little bit old to believe in withes?”
你不認為你實在年長得可以不相信有巫婆的存在了嗎?”

英語知識點解說:

1.advantage n. 利益
take advantage of... 利用/占……的便宜
=make use of...
例:Do you really think Dirty Danny would take advantage of an innocent girl like that?
(你真的認為下流的丹尼會對那樣一位天真的女孩占便宜嗎?)

2.vice-president n. 副總裁

3.embezzle vt. 挪用(公款)

4.squander vt. 浪費(時間、金錢)
例:Don't squander your money on video games.
(別把你的錢浪費在游戲機上。)

5.race track n. 賽馬場

6.examiner n. 審查員;檢查員
examinee n. 應試者;受審者
例:The examiner examined the examinee mercilessly during the oral examination.
(口試時,主考官毫不留情地考問應試者。)

7.due a. 到期的;起因于;預定到達的(本文作此解);適當的
due to... 由于……
in due time 假以時日;時機一到
例:It is comforting to believe that everyone will get his due reward.
(每個人都會得到適當的報應,這個信念令人慰藉。)
Margaret is due (to deliver a child) in August.
(瑪格麗特預定八月生產。)
It is believed that Dave's failure was due completely to his laziness.
(大家相信戴夫的失敗完全是他懶惰的結果。)
Work hard, and you'll be successful in due time.
(你若努力,假以時日一定會成功。)

8.conceal vt. 隱藏
例:Little children haven't yet learned to conceal their true feelings.
(小孩子還沒學會隱藏他們真實的感情。)

9.crime n. 犯罪行為
commit a crime 犯罪
例:Have you ever been tempted to commit a crime?
(你曾有犯罪的企圖嗎?)

10.what's more 尤有甚者
=furthermore
例:I've lost my job, I've been kicked out of my apartment, and my car's been repossessed. What's more, my girlfriend has just dumped me.
(我失業了,又被趕出公寓,車子也賣了。更糟的是,我的女友也把我甩了。)

11.tale n. 故事
tell a tale 說個故事
例:Sit down and let me tell you a tale that will make your hair stand on end.
(坐下來,我給你講個讓你聽了會毛骨悚然的故事。)

12.despondent a. 無精打采的;沮喪的

13.head for... 向……出發

14.hideous a. 可怕的 ;面目可憎的

15.hag n. 老丑的女人,母夜叉

16.predicament n. 困境
be in a predicament 陷于困境中
例:You got yourself into this predicament, so you'll have to get yourself out of it.
(是你自己找的麻煩,因此你必須自求多福!)

17.chortle vi. 咯咯地笑

18.That's nothing 那沒什么。

19.It happens that... 正巧……

20.concentrate vt. & vi. 專注;集中
concentrate on sth 全神貫注于某事
=focus on sth
=be attentive to sth
例:The woman who sits in front of me at my office is so attractive that I can't concentrate on my work.
(辦公室中坐在我前面的女人是那么有魅力,害我無法專心工作。)

21.mystic a. 神秘的

22.bizarre a. 古怪的
bazaar n. 市集

23.triumphant a. 得意洋洋的
triumphantly ad. 得意洋洋地

24.deposit vt. 儲存;放置 & n. 存款
例:I made a deposit at the bank yesterday.
(昨天我在銀行存了一些錢。)

25.erase vt. 擦掉;使忘卻
eraser n. 橡皮擦
例:What the Americans call "erasers" the British call "rubbers." But in American slang, "rubbers" means "prophylactics."
(美國人所稱的橡皮擦"erasers" ,英國人叫做rubbers ,但在美國俚語 中,rubbers 這個字的意思是保險套。)
* prophylactic n. 預防藥;保險套

26.screw one's brains out 絞盡腦汁
本文中指把人搞得精疲力瘁

27.gulp vi. 吞口水,倒吸一口氣

28.alternative n. 選擇
have no alternative but to V 除了……別無他途可循:
=have no choice but to V
=have no option but to V
例:You have no alternative but to pay the ransom.
(除了付贖金之外,你別無選擇)

29.avert vt. 避開(目光、視線等)

30.manfully ad. 有丈夫氣概地;勇敢地

31.repulsive a. 令人厭惡的
repulse vt. 擊退;拒絕
例:The brave company repulsed the attackers again and again.
(這一連的英勇士兵一次又一次擊退來犯的敵人。)

32.crone n. 干癟的丑老太婆

33.executive n. 執行長;主管

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