山路歷險記（一）
"Fear is a fact of life everyone faces from time to time. In most cases fearis a healthy reaction to a dangerous situation. But sometimes fear can be so extreme, so overwhelming, that it interferes with normal living. That is what happened to me driving cross-country last summer.
I'd agreed to help my brother, Mac, move from the East Coast to California. He would drive a rental truck loaded with his belongings and I would follow him in his sedan, then fly back. We figured it would be a simple trip, with four or five motel stops along the way.
Living and working in coastal Georgia for most of my life, I did not have a great deal of long-distance driving experience. Looking back on it today, I can see that I'd always felt a twinge of fear when driving over small bridges and along hilly highways. And as I was getting ready for the trip I had a vague concern about the steep mountain roads that lay ahead. But I thought I would get used to them.
As we crossed some high bridges near the Blue Ridge Mountains on the first leg of our trip, a kind of breathlessness gripped me, a sinking, rolling sensation in the pit of my stomach. I tended to veer slightly away from the edge of the roadway and the drop-off beyond. My knuckles whitened from my tense grip on the steering wheel. At the end of each bridge, a great rush of relief would come over me, only to be replaced in short order by fear of the next obstacle.
When we stopped in Nashville the first night, I mentioned my feelings to Mac, who is the practical sort. "Oh, that's nothing," he said cheerfully . "Lots of people hate driving on mountain roads and high bridges. Just turn up the music on your radio and focus on that. Keep your mind occupied."
心驚膽顫的事情人人在生活中都偶爾會碰到。驚恐大都是對危險倩況的一種積極反應。不過，有時驚恐會達到極端、不堪承受的程度，以至干擾正常的生活。這正是我去年夏天在駕車橫穿北美大陸途中所經歷的情況。
我答應幫弟弟麥克從東海岸把家搬到加利福尼亞州。到時他將開租來的卡車拉上全部家什，我跟在后面幫他把小車開過去，然后乘飛機返回。我們估計這趟旅行很簡單，中途在四五家汽車旅館落落腳就行了。
我長這么大，大多生活和工作在沿海的佐治亞州，沒有多少長途駕駛的經驗。今天回想起來，其實我每逢開車過小橋、走山路時都提心吊膽。在為此行作準備時，我心里就開始為即將面對的山路忐忑不安。不過當時我以為自己能夠適應。
上路后的第一程，我們就碰上了藍脊山脈附近高懸的大橋。我簡直緊張得透不過氣來，心頭發緊，有種人仰馬翻的感覺。我極力想把車開向里側一些，躲開那可能滑下陡坡的邊沿。我緊緊地握著方向盤，手指關節繃得沒有了血色。每穿過一座高橋我就會大大地舒一口氣，可等在前面的是又一個令人畏懼的關口。
旅程的第一天晚上，我們停在了納什維爾。我對麥克談了自己的感受。他是那種務實的人。“哦，沒關系，”他興致勃勃地說，“許多人害怕走山路、過高橋。只要打開收音機專心聽音樂就行。不要胡思亂想。”
I gave him a weak smile and said good night. But later as I tossed and turned in bed, I couldn't chase away the apprehension I had about the high driving ahead. The more I tried not to think about it, the more my mind kept going back to that helpless feeling of panic I had on the first leg of the journey. My fear seemed to possess a life of its own. You're being childish , I chided myself. This is ridiculous ! If I could just close my eyes and relax, I thought, the renewal of a good night's sleep would drive the fear away.
But it didn't go away. All through the flatlands of Arkansas, Oklahoma , north Texas and New Mexico it lay like a coiled snake inside of me. When we approached the high plateau of northern Arizona it began to stir. As the grades grew steeper and the curves sharper, my sense of control faltered, "It's all in your head," I kept repeating desperately. "There is no danger. It's all in your head."
Yet I couldn't defeat the terror. Mile after mile it was like an invisible force drawing my attention toward the edge of the road where the soft shoulder gave way to thin air. I tried everything I could think of. I cranked up the radio. Sang songs. Recited poetry. All to no avail. The palms of my hands were so sweaty that I had to squeeze the steering wheel to keep my grip.
I kept closing the gap between my car and my brother's truck, inching toward the reassuring glow of the taillights like a frightened sheep following a shepherd. I could see Mac watching me in his rearview mirror , and that night at supper in Kingman, Arizona, he said, "Leigh, you're tailgating . You're much too close for these mountain roads." He studied my face for a moment, then added, "Tomorrow will be the last day of high country. Just try to hang in there. We've got this far okay. You know there's nothing to be afraid of."
I understood that. I had to go on. But the prospect of hairpin turns and sheer drop-offs made it impossible for me to eat any supper. Mac tried to keep the conversation breezy, but it didn't help. I excused myself early and went to bed, exhausted.
6]我沖著他勉強笑笑，道了一聲晚安。但后來，我躺在床上輾轉反側，一想到要走的山路，心中的焦慮就怎么也揮之不去。越是盡力于去想它，反倒越是回味上路、第一程就出現的那種揪心無助的感覺。這種恐懼似乎根深蒂固，永久存在。太幼稚了，我責備自己。真可笑!想，如果我能閉上眼放松下來，重新美美地睡一覺，恐懼就會被驅散。
但是恐懼并沒消逝。在經過阿肯色州、俄克拉何馬州、得克薩斯州北部和新墨西哥州的那些大平原時，恐怖像蛇一樣盤踞在我心中。快要到達亞利桑那州北部的高原地帶時，它又開始蠢蠢欲動。隨著坡越來越陡，彎越轉越急，我漸漸有了控制不住之感。“全是胡思亂想，”我拼命反復地提醒自己。“沒有危險。完全是胡思亂想。”
然而我就是不能戰勝恐懼。一英里接著一英里，像是被一種無形的魔力拽著一樣，我一路上怎么也不能讓注意力離開那令人窒息的崖邊，那里沒有平緩的山肩，有的只是稀薄的空氣。凡屬能想到的辦法我都試了――打開收音機，唱歌，背詩――一切都無濟于事。我的掌心里滿是汗水，只有用力壓擠方向盤才能把它抓牢。
我盡量縮小與弟弟的卡車的距離，緩緩地移動，盯住他的尾燈，心中才賂有一絲安慰，就像一只嚇壞了的小羊緊跟在羊館的屁股后面一樣。我能看見麥克正從后視鏡里望著我。那天晚上在亞利桑那州的金曼吃飯時，他說：“莉，你是在尾追。在這樣的山路上那距離太近了!”他注意了一下我的表倩，接著說：“明天是最后一天的山路了。務必再堅持一陣子，我們走了這么遠，不是好好的嘛。你知道沒有什么可怕的。”
我知道。我必須堅持下去。可是一想到那些U字型的急轉彎和直上直下的大陡坡我就沒了胃口。麥克盡量想讓談話輕松些，但不管用。我找借口早早抽身，去上床睡覺，這時倍感精疲力竭。
Sleep wouldn't come. I lay staring into the dark, listening to the sounds of trucks and cars rushing along the nearby interstate. I tried to summon up reassuring images of home, now so many hundreds of miles away. I thought of Betsy and Tabitha, the two lovable cats that belonged to my husband and me; of Ben, the playful mutt who loved to catch Frisbees. I thought about friends and neighbors. I pictured the faces of my husband and children.
I also thought about Lillian, our parents' part-time maid. I could almost touch calmness when I thought about Lillian, with her gentle voice and radiant smile. I knew Lillian was praying for me; she always prays for our family, especially when one of us is away. I found myself clutching for a verse from Deuteronomy. How did it go? "Don't be afraid, for the Lord will go before you and will be with you; He will neither fail nor forsake you."
But nothing could dispel the sense of helplessness that overwhelmed me whenever I contemplated the frowning mountains that lay ahead. The next morning I had to force myself to slide behind the wheel. Just one more day, I kept telling myself. Surely I can find the courage to make it through one day. If I just kept my eyes locked on the back of my brother's truck, if I just made my wheels follow his wheels, I'd be all right. If I would just take slow, deep breaths instead of shallow, terrified gasps, I would be all right.
If I could just visualize my heart as a place where courage dwelt, instead of panic, I would be all right. I kept telling myself that the fear of crashing through the guardrail and plunging over the edge existed only in my imagination, pot in fact. Control, that was the key. I would cling with all my might to control. I would clutch it tight and take charge .
But as the day wore on and the road mounted higher, that little core of self-control grew smaller and smaller, and finally, on a heart-stop-ping grade southwest of Barstow, California, it vanished altogether.
怎么也唾不著。我兩眼瞅著一片黑暗，耳聽附近州際公路上過往的卡車和轎車呼嘯不停。我迫使自己向數百英里之外家中那些溫馨的形象尋求慰藉。我想到了貝特西和塔比莎，那是我和丈夫養的兩只可愛的小貓；還有貝思，那只喜歡逮飛碟的頑皮小狗。我想到了朋友們和鄰居們。丈夫和孩子們的面容浮現在我眼前。
我還想到了莉蓮，我父母雇的鐘點工。想著她那柔美的聲音和燦爛的笑容，我心中幾乎頓感一絲寧靜。我知道莉蓮一定在為我祈禱；她總是為我們一家人祈禱，尤其是有人出門在外時。不知不覺中我發現自己琢磨起了《圣經》中的句于。那是怎么說的?“不要膽怯，上帝為你開路，與你同在；他不會辜負你的期待，也不會拋棄你。” 盡管如此，一想到還要走下去的崎嘔山路，籠罩在心頭的那種強烈的無助感便無法排遣。第二天一早，我強迫自己坐進了駕駛室。只剩一天了，我不斷地告訴自己。我一定能找到勇氣對付這最后的一天。只要盯住弟弟的卡車，跟在他后邊，讓我的車輪沿他的車輪而行，準不會出事。只要慢慢地深呼吸，而不是氣急敗壞地喘個不停，就不會出事。
只要想象勇氣長駐心中，恐懼就沒有立足之地．就不會出事的。我一溫遍地提醒自己：沖出護欄墜入深淵只是幻覺，不是事實。控制住自己是關鍵。我要全力以赴地控制住，要牢牢地掌握住。
越往前走路越陡，我那點可憐的控制力越發微弱，終于，在加州巴斯陀西南一個令人心驚肉跳的陡坡上，它徹底消失了。
My brother's truck, moving downhill fast, got far ahead of me. With it went the last vestiges of my courage. On one side of my little car the mountain rose like a gigantic wall of sheer rock. On the other side was thin air. I struggled desperately not to look over the edge.
Traffic was streaming down the grade, mostly big trucks in the righthand lane. I wanted to join them there but I could not bring myself to steer to the right, toward the edge. Instead I kept inching to the left, going slower and slower in the passing lane, trying to hug the mountain wall.
Drivers behind me honked their horns angrily. Panic paralyzed me. I wanted to stop but there was no place to pull over. I tried to say the Lord's Prayer. My throat was too tight for words to come.
Ahead of me I could see that the road made a sweeping turn to the left. A river of steel was rushing around that curve, moving fast under the pull of gravity. I knew that all I had to do was inch the steering wheel to the left and keep pace with traffic, but my arms were rigid. The fear that filled the car was stronger, much stronger, than I was.
Behind me the impatient horns blared their angry chorus. I was absolutely certain that I was going to plunge straight ahead, through the flimsy barrier, then down, down, down through an endless drop. I moaned through clenched teeth. Again I tried to pray, this time silently. I begged God not to fail me, to take full control of the situation. Lord, save me from my fear.
Then, abruptly, something unbelievable happened. The traffic roared on. The curve was coming closer. But suddenly, in a flash, the fear vanished. I experienced a presence, virtually a palpable sensation, of overwhelming love filling my car, washing over me, blotting our the stark panic. Another phrase from the Bible flashed into my mind; "Perfect love casteth out fear." I felt that perfect love, the Lord's love, reaching out to touch my shoulder. A voice, soundless yet perfectly real, said, You are safe now. I am here.
弟弟的卡車飛速下山，我落后了好遠。隨之而去的還有我最后的那一絲膽量。我這渺小的汽車的一側是直插云天的巖石峭壁，另一側是懸崖上稀薄的空氣。我竭盡全力不讓自己往崖邊上看。
下坡的路上車流如潮，大卡車大都行駛在右車道上。我想加入到他們中間，可自己就是不聽使喚，不但不能開向靠崖一側的右邊，反而不停地向左邊峭壁上擠。車在通道上越走越慢，車身快要貼住峭壁了。我身后的司機們憤怒地按起了喇叭。驚恐完全懾服了我，使我幾乎麻痹。我想要停車又沒有地方靠邊。我試圖背誦主禱文，但喉嚨發緊，說不出話來。
我看見前方有個角度很小的左轉彎，在地心引力的作用下，車流急速繞過彎處。我心里明白，我必須盡力行駛在左側并與其他車輛保持同速，可我雙臂僵硬。車里恐懼氣氛迷漫，使我倍感自己弱小不堪。
我身后不耐煩的喇叭聲響成了一片。我絕望地感到自己就要向前直沖出那不堪一擊的護欄，然后下墜，再下墜，墜入萬丈深淵。悲鳴從咬緊的牙縫中擠出。我又一次試圖祈禱，這次是默默的。我懇求上帝不要令我失望，千萬控制住局面。上帝，救我于驚恐之中吧!
驀地，令人難以置信的情形出現了。車輛仍舊叫著。轉彎處越來越近。然而驚慌失措的情緒瞬間全然不見了。我分明感到神靈的降臨，一種清晰而巨大的愛的力量直撲車里，朝我涌來，頓時將懼伯一掃而光。另一句《圣經》中的名言閃過我心頭：“偉大的愛使人無畏。”我感覺到了這種偉大的愛，來自上帝的愛，它從天而降。一個無聲而又十分真切的聲音說到：現在你安全了。我就在你身邊。
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