1. A cat with suspected Multiple Personality Disorder:
As an experienced veterinary psychologist, I have treated many cats for a wide variety of conditions, including Feline Factitious Disorder (F.F.D.), Siamese Schizophrenia, Generalized Angora Anxiety Syndrome (G.A.A.S.), Hysterical Hairballs, Catnip Dependence, Finicky Personality Disorder, and of course, MPD (usually known as Feline Dissociative Disorder, multiple type).
What small success I have had has been the product of rigorously applied Multiphasic Empathic Ontogenic Work (M.E.O.W.). It is demanding of both therapist and patient, but given sufficient motivation and an understanding owner, it is the only hope.
The first phase of treatment requires repeated application of Feline Exo-Empathic Dysphoric Mood Exercises (F.E.E.D.M.E.) until a stable period of at least one month has been established. The next phase begins the challenging of the fragmentation, and it entails the Lovingly Interpreted Transferential Topographic Entity Rapprochement By Observed Xenophobia maneuver (L.I.T.T.E.R.B.O.X.) in which the very fragmentation itself is made toxic to the cat. The final phase produces a single, intact personality through Positive Unified Reintegrated Reinforcement (P.U.R.R.), and though this phase can last upwards of two years, it is essential that it be performed unerringly with intensely focused purpose. A thorough exegesis of M.E.O.W. treatment can be found in my latest book, "Feline Analytic Theory & Character: Assessment and Technique" (F.A.T.C.A.T.).

2. Marge was telling her friend Grace how she gets her son out of bed in the morning. "I just open his door and toss the cat on his bed. He sleeps with his dog."

3. There once were two cats in Kilkenny
And each thought there was one cat too many;
So they quarreled and fit
And they gouged and they bit
Til, excepting their nails
And the tips of their tails,
Instead of two cats there weren't any.

4. Can cats see in the dark?
Yes, but they have trouble holding the flashlight!

5. do you call a cat that has swallowed a duck?
A duck filled fatty puss.

6. Pete: Have you ever seen a catfish?
Paul: Yes, i have
Pete: How did it hold the rod?

7. A black and white cat crossed my path this morning, and since then my luck has been patchy

8. Customer: Do you sell cats meat?
Butcher: Yes, as long as they are accompanied by a human being

9. There was a man whose dog had died. Before he buried the dog, he took
the dog to the vet to see if for sure the dog was dead.
The vet says, Put him on the table here.
He opened a door, a cat walked around the dog once and returned inside
the little box and the vet close the door.
The vet said, Yep, your dog's dead, that'll be 200 dollars.
200 dollars, the man said, don't you think that's a little bit
excessive just to tell me my dog's dead?
The vet said, "Well, it's 40 dollars my fee, 160 for the cat scan."

10. What do you call a cat that travels by train?
A com-Mew-ter

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