Ladies and Gentlemen, Distinguished Faculty, Administrators, Friends and Family and, of course, the graduating Class of 2003，I wish to say hello and thank you for bestowing this honor upon me as your Class Day speaker. After months of secret negotiations, several hundred secret ballots, and a weekend retreat with Vice President Dick Cheney in his secret mountain bunker, a Class Day speaker was chosen, and it was me. You obviously have made a grave error. But it’s too late now. So let’s just go with it.

女士們、先生們、各位尊敬的老師、理事、朋友以及在座的家長們，當然還有 2003屆畢業班的同學們，我在這里向你們問好，并感謝大家授予我這份殊榮，讓我 作你們畢業紀念日的演講。經過數月的秘密商討，在統計了數百張不記名的投票以 及和副總統迪克切尼先生一起在他的私密山莊里進行整整一個周末的反復思量之 后，畢業紀念日的演講者最終被選定了，那個人就是我。你們顯然犯了一個嚴重的 錯誤。但是現在你們后悔也來不及了，所以我們就將就著吧。

Today’s speech is going to be a little different, a little unorthodox. Some of you may find it to be shocking. I’m not going to stand up here and try to be funny. Because even though I am a professional comedian of the highest caliber, Fve decided to do one thing that a lot of people are probably afraid to do, and that’s give it to you straight.

今天的演講將會有所不同，有點顛覆傳統。你們當中有些人可能會覺得震驚。我 不會站在這里努力搞笑取悅觀眾。原因是，我雖然是一個頂尖的職業喜劇演員，但我決定要做一件許多人都不敢做的事情，那就是開門見山地向你們坦誠地作演講。

As most of you are probably aware, I didn’t graduate from Harvard. In fact, I never even got a call back from Admissions. Damn you, Harvard! Damn you! I told myself I would not get emotional today. But damn it, I’m here，and sometimes it’s just good to cry.

你們當中的一部分人可能會知道我并不是哈佛的畢業生。事實上，我甚至從未 接到過招生處的回電。疼死的哈佛！該死！我曾告訴我自己今天不能太情緒化。但 是，該死的，我現在就在哈佛。有時候抱怨一下也挺好的。

I‘m not one of you. Okay? I can’t relate to who you are and what you’ve been through. I graduated from the University of Life. All right? I received a degree from the School of Hard Knocks. And our colors were black and blue, baby. I had office hours with the Dean of Bloody Noses. All right? I borrowed my class notes from Professor Knuckle Sandwich and his Teaching Assistant, Ms. Fat Lip Thon Nyun. That’s the kind of school I went to for real, okay?

我并非你們當中的一員。我并不知道你們是誰，也不知道你們曾經歷過什么。 我畢業于“人生大學”。對吧？我從一所名為“無情打擊”的大學里獲得學位，這 所大學里的學生都是遍體鱗傷，我從被打得鮮血淋漓的鼻子中獲得教訓。對吧？我 從一名名為“生活的打壓”的教授那里獲得知識。知道了吧，這就是我所上的現實 生活這所大學。 ‘

So my gift to you, Class of 2003，is to tell you about the real world through my eyes，through my experiences. And I’m sorry, but I refuse to sugarcoat it. I ain’t gonna do it. And I probably shouldn’t use the word “ain’t” during this day in which we celebrate education. But that’s just the way I play it, Homes.

所以2003屆畢業班的同學們，我送給你們的禮物就是把我在現實世界中看到的、 經歷過的情況告訴你們。抱歉，我不打算去美化它，我不會這么做的。在今天慶祝你 們畢業的日子里，或許我不該用“不”這個字眼，但是這就是我i兌話的方式。

Graduates, if you will indulge me for a moment, let me paint a picture of what it’s like out there. The last four or, for some of you, five years you’ve been living in a fantasyland, running around，talking about Hemingway, or Clancy, or, I don’t know， I mean whatever you read here at Harvard. The Novelization of the Matrix, I don’t know. I don’t know what you do here.

畢業生們，你們能再遷就一會兒，讓我來描述一下外面的世界吧。對你們當 中一些人來說，在過去的四五年里，你們生活在夢幻樂園里，四處奔跑，談論海明威或克蘭西，又或者是某某某，我指的是我不知道你們在哈佛都會閱讀什么樣的東 西。《黑客帝國》嗎？我也不知道。我不知道你們在這里做些什么。

But I do know this. You’re about to enter into a world filled with hypocrisy and doublespeak, a world in which your limo to the airport is often a half-hour late. In addition to not even being a limo at all; often times it’s a Lincoln Towncar. You，re about to enter a world where you ask your new assistant, Jamie, to bring you a tall, non-fat latte. And he comes back with a short soy cappuccino. Guess what, Jamie? You’re fired. Not too hard to get right, my friend.

但我卻知道這個,你們即將進人一個到處充滿著虛假偽善、巧言令色的世界。在 這樣一個世界里，你乘坐的去往機場的豪華轎車總是會遲到半小時。此外，可能根本 不是輛豪華轎車，通常只是一輛“林肯城市”。你們將要走入一個這樣的世界,在這個 世界里，你如果讓你的助手杰米給你買一份大杯脫脂的拿鐵，她帶回來的卻是一小杯 大豆卡布奇諾。杰米，你猜怎么著，你被解雇了。朋友們，要做對一件事并不很難。

A world where your acting coach, Bob Duncan~yes, the Bob Duncan~tells you time and time again that you will never, ever be considered as a dramatic actor because you don’t play things real，and are too over the top. Amazing! Simply amazing!

在這樣一個世界里，你的演出指導鮑勃鄧肯，就是那個鮑勃鄧肯會反復 告訴你，你永遠都不會成為一個出色的演員，因為你演的不逼真，而且太言過其實 了。震驚！只是太令人震驚了。

I‘m sorry, graduates. But this is a world where you aren’t allowed to use your cell phone in airplanes, during live theater, at the movies, at funerals, or even during your own elective surgery.

畢業生們，抱歉。但是，在這樣一個世界里，你不能在飛機上、在戲院里使用 手機，在看電影和參加葬禮時也不能用，甚至是在你自己的小手術中也不能使用。

Apparently, the Berlin Wall went back up because we now live in Russia. I mean just try lighting up a cigar in a movie theater or paying for a dinner for 20 friends with an autograph. It ain’t that easy. Strong words, I know. Tough talk. But more like tough love. Because this is where my faith in you guys comes into play, Harvard University’s graduating Class of 2003, without a doubt, the finest, most talented group of sexual beings this great land has to offer.

很顯然，柏林墻又豎立起來了，因為目前我們好像是生活在俄羅斯！要不然你 試試在電影院看電影時點根雪茄試試看，或是在賬單上簽上自己的大名為一個20個朋友的聚餐買單，事情并不這么容易。我知道我的言辭過于激烈。與其說這是一番 強硬的談話，倒不如說這更像是嚴厲的愛。因為這正是我對你們有信心的地方。毫 無疑問，哈佛大學2003屆畢業班的同學是這片土地最優秀、最具天賦的青年。

Now I know I blew some of your minds with my depiction of what it‘s really like out there. But if anyone can handle the ups and downs of this crazy blue marble we call Planet Earth, it’s you guys. As I stare out into this vast sea of shining faces, I see the best and brightest. Some of you will be captains of industry and business. Others of you will go on to great careers in medicine, law and public service. Four of you—and I，m not at liberty to say which four~will go on to magnificent careers in the pomo industry. I’m not trying to be funny. That’s just a statistical fact.

我知道此時此刻你們當中有些人由于我對外面世界的描述而感到驚訝。如果說 誰能成為這個被我們稱作是地球的瘋狂的藍色大理石上的弄潮兒，那肯定是你們。 當我望向這片由你們閃亮的臉龐組成的汪洋時，我看到了你們當中那些最棒的，最 有前途的同學。你們中一些人將會成為工業大亨或商界領袖，其他人可能在醫藥、 法律、公共服務行業大展拳腳。你們當中有4個人，我不能指名道姓地說是哪4個將 會在色情行業取得了巨大成就。我并不是在開玩笑，統計數據的事實就是這樣。

One of you, specifically John Lee, will spend most of your time just hanging out in your car eating nachos. You will all come back from time to time to this beautiful campus for reunions, and ask the question, “Does anyone ever know what happened to John Lee?” At that point, he will invariably pop out from the bushes and yell, “Nachos anyone?!” At first, it will scare the crap out of you. But then you’ll share a laugh with your classmates and ultimately look forward to John jumping out of the bushes as a yearly event.

你們中有一個人，具體來說是約翰李將在大多數時間里，邊吃著那可邊開著 車兜風。你們將會一次次回到這個美麗的校園里重聚，并問道，“你們知道約翰* 李怎么樣了嗎？ ”就在這個時候，他將會出其不意地從樹叢沖蹦出來，叫道：“誰 要來點那可嗎？ ”起先，這會把你們嚇壞了。但過一會兒，你就會和同學們~起笑 開了，最后你們會期待每年這個時候約翰李都會從樹叢里跳出來。

I’d like to change gears here, if I could. Talk a little bit about ￡tSaturday Night Live,” Now，during my 18-year stint on the show, I had the chance to play or impersonate some very interesting people, none more interesting than our current President, Mr. George W. Bush. Now in some cases, you actually have contact with some of the people you play. As a byproduct of this former situation, the President and myself have become quite good friends. In fact, I might even call him a father figure of sorts, granted a dim-witted father figure who likes to take a lot of naps and start wars, but a father figure nonetheless.

如果可以的話，我想說點題外話，就是關于“周六夜現場”的事情。到現在為 止，我已經出演18年了，因此我有機會和一些非常有趣的人一起玩樂、交往。其中 最有趣的要數現任總統喬治小布什了。如今在一些情況下，你會和一些一起演出 的人保持聯系。屬于這種情況的一個例子就是“總統”和我成為了很要好的朋友。 事實上，他在我心中是某種父親般的形象，一種傻傻的父親形象——盡管他熱愛打 瞌睡，發動戰爭，但還是某種父親般的形象。

When I told the President that Yd be speaking here today, he wondered if I would express some sentiments to you. And I said I，d do my best. So, if you don’t mind，I’d like to read this message from the President of the United States.

當我告訴他我將來這兒發表演講時，他想知道我是否能替他向你們表達祝賀。 我說我會盡力而為。所以，如果你們不介意的話，我想向你們宣讀這條來自美國總 統的信息。

Students, Faculty，Families and Distinguished Guests, I just want to take time to congratulate you on your outstanding achievement as graduates of the Class of 2003. The great thing about being the Class of 2003 is that you can always remember what year you graduated because 2002 is a palindrome which，of course, is a word or number that is the same read backwards or forwards. Fll bet you*re surprised I know that word, but I do. So you can stuck on it.

同學們、老師們、家長朋友們以及尊敬的嘉賓們，我只是占用大家一點點時間 向2003屆畢業生同學們所取得的卓越成就表示祝賀。作為2003屆畢業生最好的事情 就是你總能記起你是哪一年畢業的。因為2002是個回文，不管你從前面或者后面開 始念都一樣的單詞或數字。我打賭，你們對于我竟然知道這個單詞而驚訝不已,但 我確實知道這個單詞，所以隨你們怎么驚訝吧。

I’m going to be honest with you, I just made that up. But I don’t know how to delete it from the computer. Tomorrow’s graduation day speaker is former President of Mexico Ernesto Zedillo. Ernie’s a good man, a deeply religious man, and one of the original members of the Latino boy band Menudo. So listen up to Ernie. He was at the beginning of the whole boy band explosion.

老實告訴你們吧，剛才那句話是我編的。但是我不知道怎樣將它從電腦上刪除。明天的畢業日演講嘉賓是前墨西哥總統埃內斯托塞迪略。他人不錯，是個虔 誠的宗教信徒，而且還是拉丁男孩樂隊最早的成員之一。所以聽聽他的忠告吧，他 那時可是處在男孩樂隊剛開始大紅大紫的時候啊。

As you set off into the world, don't be afraid to question your leaders. But don’t ask too many questions at one time or that are too hard because your leaders get tired and/or cranky. All of you sitting here have the brightest of futures ahead. Many of you will go on to stellar careers and various pursuits. And four of you—and I，m not at liberty to say which four~will go on to star in the porno industry.

由于你們剛開始涉足社會，不要害怕向你們的上級發問。但是一次不要問太多 問題，否則那就太糟糕了，因為你的上級會感到厭煩或者會對你大發脾氣。你們在 座的所有人都前途無量。你們當中許多人將會從事一流的職業，并且追求許多不同 的東西。但是你們中有4個人——我不能明說是具體哪4個人將會重演于色情業o

One of the challenges you will be faced with is finding a job in our depressed economy. In fact, the chances of landing a decent job are about as good as finding weapons of mass destruction in the Iraqi desert. Slim and none. And Slim just left the building. In fact, the closest thing I found to looking like a weapon of mass destruction is the turd that Dick Cheney left in the Oval Office toilet about an hour ago. Man, that thing is a WMD if I've ever seen one. On that note: God bless and happy graduation.

你們將會面臨的一大挑戰就是在低迷的經濟形勢下找到一份工作。事實上，找 到一份體面工作的概率就和在伊拉克沙漠中尋找到大規模殺傷性武器的概率是一樣 的，概率微乎其微，甚至是不可能。實際上，我認為最類似大規模殺傷性武器的東西 是一小時前迪克切尼留在總統辦公室洗手間里的排泄物。如果我曾經見過什么所謂 的大規模殺傷性武器的話，那就是它了。上面寫著：愿上帝保佑你們，祝畢業愉快。

You know, I sincerely hope you enjoy this next chapter of your life because it’s really going to be great, as long as you pay your taxes. And don’t just take a year off because you think Uncle Sam is snoozing at the wheel because he will descend upon you like a hawk from hell. Let’s just put it this way. After some past indiscretions with the IRS, my take-home pay last year was $9,000.

我衷心希望你們能好好享受你們人生的下個篇章，因為只要你依法納稅，它真 的會很精彩。你不要想當然地認為政府會有所懈怡而因此偷稅，哪怕只是一年也不行。如果那樣的話，就讓我們暫且這么說吧，政府會像來自地獄的老鷹般來到你身 邊。由于稅務局的一些差錯，我去年的稅后收入只有9000美元。

I figured Yd leave you today with a song, if you will. So, Jeff, if you could come up here. Jeff Heck, everyone. Please welcome one of your fellow graduates. Jeff is, of course，from Eliot House. You know what you guys? You guys at Eliot House, give yourselves a nice round of applause because you had the head lice scare this year, and it shut you down for most of last semester. But you didn’t mind the tents they set up for you, and you were just troopers. You really were.

如果你們愿意的話，我想以一首歌來結束我的演講。杰夫你能上來一下嗎？各 位，這是杰夫海克，大家歡迎你們的畢業生兄弟。當然杰夫來自艾略特樓。你們 知道你是誰嗎？你們這些住在略特樓的伙計們，給自己來點熱烈的掌聲，因為今 年你們受到了頭虱的威脅，而且由于頭虱的緣故，你們在最后一個學期大部分時間 都被擋在樓外。但是你們并不介意住在他們為你們搭建的帳篷里，你們還真是堅韌 不拔啊。

Anyway, here’s a song that I think really captures the essence of the Harvard experience. It goes a little like this.

無論如何，我想有首歌最能概括你們在哈佛求學經歷的精華部分，這首歌是這 樣唱的……

Okay, you know what? I’m just realizing that this is a terrible graduation song. Once again, I’m sorry. This is the first time I’ve actually listened to the lyrics. Man, it’s a downer. It’s bleak.

你們知道嗎？我剛剛才意識到這是一首糟糕的畢業贈曲。我再次向你們表示歉意。 實際上，這還是我第一次細聽這首歌的歌詞。這首歌太憂郁了，太令人沮喪了。

Boy, I want to finish this. Just give me a minute, and let me figure out how to fix this thing. Okay. I think I got it.

兄弟，我想唱完這首歌。給我一分鐘就行了，讓我想想該怎樣使這首歌聽起來 好聽一些。好了，我想我知道了。

Thank you. Good luck. And have a great day tomorrow.
 

謝謝大家，祝你們好運，前程似錦。

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