當地時間4月28日，美國總統奧巴馬出席白宮記者年會。晚宴期間，奧巴馬大秀幽默功力，不僅拿特工招妓丑聞、麥克風門等事件開涮，還惡搞羅姆尼、希拉里等人，搞活宴會現場氣氛。 大選年，奧巴馬為了博得選舉天然不肯放過任何一個推銷自己的機會。在此次的白宮記者協會接待晚宴的演說中，奧巴馬鋒利吐槽、大度自嘲，暗諷對手，用詼諧幽默也給自己加分不少。

Host：Could someone back there please turnoff the Presidents mic? I think the Presidents mic is hot, please turn it off. Thank you. Thank you.
后臺哪位幫忙把總統的麥克風關一下？我覺得總統的麥克風沒有關，請幫忙關一下，謝謝，謝謝。
（首爾核峰會上奧巴馬與梅德韋杰夫的私聊因為沒關麥克風被暴光，之前的G20戛納峰會中一樣因為沒關麥克風而暴光了他與薩科齊的私聊，兩次事宜都在國內掀起軒然大波。）Obama：Great. I gotta get warmed up. I...Imso in love...God! I totally had that. Seriously guys, what am Idoing here?
太棒了，我來個熱身。我……我太愛你……（一月份演講時他唱過Al Green這首歌）天哪！我真是擅長唱歌！說端莊的各位，我來這是干甚么的？I'm the President of the United States, and Im openning for Jimmy Kimmel? I have the nuclearcodes, why am I telling "knock knock" jokes to Kim Kardashian? Why is she famous anyway?
我可是美國總統啊，我竟然為吉米•凱莫（ABC電視臺深夜脫口秀主持人）熱場？我是手握核兵器的管轄（美國總統有一只廣為撒布的“核按鈕手提箱”，里面存放著啟動美國核兵器的暗碼），干嗎要來這給卡戴珊講“拍門”笑話？她到底為啥出名呢？
（卡戴珊最有名的標簽是“帕麗斯•希爾頓的摯友”，她是羅伯特•卡戴珊的女兒，奧多姆的大姨子。卡戴珊因性愛而出名。）Thats it. Next year we send Biden.Now youre right. Its way too risky.
我受夠了。明年讓拜登替我來好了。你說得對，這么干太危險。（拜登可是口誤帝）Wow, look at my hair. It really went gray. Do you think anybody would notice if I just went a little darker? Right now like a five on the "Just For Men" scale. I think I would go to 6 and nobody would notice.
哇，看我的頭發。一片灰白啊！你說我若是染黑一點會有人發現不？按照“Just For Men”（有名染發產品）的標準，我目前只剩5分黑了。我感受我若是染成6分黑也該當不會有人注意吧。Is the teleprompter working? Are you kidding? What do you expect me to do out there? I literally have no idea what Im saying tonight.
提詞器準備好沒？（自嘲演講全靠提詞器）開甚么玩笑？那我一會上場如何語言啊？我底子不知道今晚要說點甚么。Man! I could really use a cigarette right now.
唉，目前真想抽根煙！（自嘲之前是煙鬼）Okay, okay, Im going. God forbid wekeep Chuck Todd and the cast of Glee waiting.
好了好了，這就上場。誰敢讓查克•陶德（美國國家播送公司政治中心主管）和Glee劇組久等啊！Host：Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the President of the United States.
女士們先生們，掌聲有請美國總統！Obama：Thank you! Good evening everybody.Good evening! I could not be more thrilled to be here tonight atthe White House Correspondents Dinner. That is great crowd. They are already laughing. Its terrific.
謝謝！早晨好各位，早晨好！本日我懷著非常沖動的心情來列席白宮記者晚宴。這觀眾太好了，還沒最早就笑成這樣，太好了！Chuck Todd -- love you, brother. I’m delighted to see some of the cast members of Glee are here. And Jimmy Kimmel, it’s an honor, man. What’s so funny?
查克•陶德，哥們我愛你哦！我很興奮見到Glee劇組也加入了。還有吉米•凱莫，真是榮幸啊!有啥好笑的？My fellow Americans, we gather duringa historic anniversary. Last year atthis time -- in fact, on this very weekend -- we finally delivered justice to one of the world’s most notorious individuals.
親愛的美國同胞們，我們歡聚在這具有歷史意義的周年紀念日。去年的這個時間，現實上恰是在統一個周末，我們終于將世界上最臭名昭著的惡人處死。（“大惡人”Trump中槍，去年晚宴被兇猛吐槽）Now, this year, we gather in the midst of a heated election season. And Axelrod tells me I should never miss a chance to re introduce myself to the American people.So tonight, this is how I’d like to begin: My name is Barack Obama.My mother was born in Kansas. My father was born in Kenya. And Iwas born, of course, in Hawaii.
往年，在白熱化的大選季我們再次聚會，Axelrod（奧巴馬的照料）說我不該當錯過任何從新向美國人平易近介紹自己的機會。所以今晚我打算就這樣收場：我名叫貝拉克•奧巴馬，我母親出身在堪薩斯，我父親出身在肯尼亞，而我出身在：當然是夏威夷。（用眨眼來自嘲對手質疑自己出生地證明事宜）In 2009, I took office in the face of some enormous challenges. Now,some have said I blame too many problems on my predecessor, but let’s not forget that’s a practice that was initiated by George W.Bush. Since then, Congress and I have certainly had our differences; yet, I’ve tried to be civil, to not take any cheap shots. And that’s why I want to especially thank all the members who took a break from their exhausting schedule of not passing any laws to be here tonight. Let’s give them a big round of applause.
2009年我就任總統時面對浩繁艱巨挑戰。目前許多人說我把太多問題歸咎于前任身上，但大家別忘了，這樣的做法是小布什創始的。（這句自己就是推給前任）從那時起，國會跟我就矛盾不時，但我盡管連結風度，從不陰損吐槽。所以我本日要迥殊謝謝那些從無所事事的百忙傍邊抽空加入的國會議員。（這就是cheap shot陰損吐槽啊）大家把熱烈的掌聲獻給他們吧。Despite many obstacles
, much has changedduring my time in office. Four years ago, I was locked in a brutalprimary battle with Hillary Clinton. Four years later, she won’t stop drunk-texting me from Cartagena.
盡管險阻重重，但自我上任以來，許多事都有所竄改，四年前，我跟希拉里在初選中斗得你死我活；四年后，她一喝多就從Cartagena給我發短信（希拉里比來走紅的短信照和喝酒照，Cartagena也是特工嫖妓門的發生地）。Four years ago, I was a Washingtonoutsider. Four years later, I’m at this dinner. Four years ago, It looked like this. Today, I look like this. And four years from now,I will look like this. That’s not even funny.
四年前，我是首都官場圈外人；四年后，我出目前白宮晚宴上。四年前，我長這樣；四年后，我長這樣；再過四年，我就會長成這樣了（摩根•弗里曼）。一點也欠好笑。Anyway, it’s great to be here this evening in the vast, magnificent Hilton ballroom -- or what Mitt Romney would call a little fixer-upper. I mean, look at this party.We’ve got men in tuxes, women in gowns, fine wine, first-class entertainment. I was just relieved to learn this was not a GSA conference. Unbelievable. Not even the mind reader knew what they were thinking.
總之，我很興奮今晚來到這宏偉光輝的希爾頓舞廳，或者用羅姆尼的話來講叫“日久失修的小破屋”（暗指羅姆尼是富二代）。我想說，瞧這派對，有衣著燕尾服的紳士，穿晚軍服的淑女，醉人美酒和一流上演——據說這不是GSA大會我才寧神（聯邦當局總務署公款吃喝事宜）。難以置信啊！連讀心術都看不到他們腦子里的設法（指腦袋空空）。Of course, the White House Correspondents’ Dinner is known as the prom of Washington D.C. -- aterm coined by political reporters who clearly never had the chance to go to an actual prom.
當然了，白宮記者晚宴又被成為“首都卒業舞會”。發現這個詞的記者顯然從沒真正參加過真正的卒業舞會。Our chaperone for the evening is Jimmy Kimmel -- who is perfect for the job since most of tonight’saudience is in his key demographic -- people who fall asleep during Night line. Jimmy got his start years ago on TheMan Show. In Washington, that’s what we call a congressional hearing on contraception.
我們今晚的“監護人”是吉米•凱莫（指卒業舞會的成年監護人），他是這個職位的不二人選，因為今晚觀眾都是他的方針人群:那些看Nightline（凱莫節目之前播出的晚新聞）睡著沒關電視的人。吉米多年前在“男子秀”出道。在華盛頓，“男子秀”是關于女性避孕藥品的國會聽證（暗諷關于女性話題的聽證會全是男子列席）。And plenty of journalists are here tonight. Id be remiss if I didn’t congratulate the Huffington Poston their Pulitzer Prize. You deserve it, Arianna. Theres no oneelse out there linking to the kinds of hard-hitting journalism that HuffPo is linking to every single day. Give them a round ofapplause. And you don’t pay them -- its a great business model.
今晚浩繁媒體人加入，我必必要恭喜“赫芬頓郵報”得到普利策獎。Arianna（該報女掌門），你們當之無愧！沒人能像你們一樣每天“鏈接”到這么多的鋒利新聞（指赫芬頓郵報的新聞都是盜用別家鏈接）。請把掌聲獻給他們。你們還不付原作者錢，這是種偉大的經營模式啊！Even Sarah Palin is getting back intothe game, guest hosting on The Today Show -- which reminds me of an old saying: Whats the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull? A pit bull is delicious. A little soy sauce.
連佩林都重返舞臺了，在“今日秀”做貴客主持。這使我想起一句老話：“冰球老媽和牛頭犬有甚么不同”（這句的內在是說二者一樣）。牛頭犬的味道好極了。（自嘲6歲吃狗肉事宜）再加點醬油。Now, I know at this point many of you are expecting me to go after my likely opponent, Newt Gingrich.Newt, theres still time, man. But Im not going to do that -- Im not going to attack any of the Republican candidates. Take MittRomney -- he and I actually have a lot in common. We both think of our wives as our better halves, and polls show, to a alarminglyinsulting extent, the American people agree. We also both have degrees from Harvard; I have one, he has two. What as nob.
目前，說道這里我知道很多人都在等候我出言攻擊將來的敵手，金里奇。紐特你還來得及啊！但我不會那么做。我不會攻擊任何共和黨候選人。比如魯姆你，我們兩個其實有很多合營點，我們都認為自己的老婆比自己更優秀。并且平易近意調查顯示，令人震驚而難堪的是，很大一部分美國人也這樣認為（他倆都沒老婆受歡迎）。我們都有哈佛的學位，我有一個，他有兩個。真是勢利小人。Of course, weve also had our differences. Recently, his campaign criticized me for slow jamming the news with Jimmy Fallon. In fact, I understand Governor Romney was so incensed he asked his staff if he could get some equal time on The Merv Griffin Show. Still, I guess Governor Romney is feeling pretty good about things because he took a few hours off the other day to see The Hunger Games -- some of you have seen it. Its amovie about people who court wealthy sponsors and then brutally savage each other until only one contestant is left standing. Im sure this was a really good change of pace for him. I have not seen The Hunger Games; not enough class warfare for me.
當然我倆也有不同之處，近年來他的競選團隊品評我和吉米•法倫表演的“最慢新聞風”。現實上，我知道羅姆尼州長氣瘋了，一直問手下可否上“Merv Griffin秀”（1986年就停播的電視節目）也來這么一長段。并且我舉得羅姆尼比來的心情還是不錯的，因為前幾天他抽工夫去看了“饑餓游戲”，有些人看過了，電影講述的是一群人圍了取悅援助人殘忍搏殺，直到剩下末了一名幸存者的故事。他看了這電影絕對能夠轉換心情啊。我還沒看過“饑餓游戲”，對我來講片中的“階層斗爭” （共和黨將稅務問題稱為“階層斗爭”）。Of course, I know everybody is predicting a nasty election, an dthankfully, weve all agreed that families are off limits. Dogs,however, are apparently fair game. And while both campaigns have had some fun with this, the other day I saw a new ad from one of these outside groups that, frankly,I think crossed the line. I know Governor Romney says he has no control over what his super PACs do,but can we show the ad real quick? (Video is played.)
當然我知道大家都認為本屆選戰將會不擇手段，虧得，我們都贊成禍不殃及家人。然則對于狗，顯然就是公平競爭了。兩邊陣營都拿這事玩得很高興。某天我看到這段競選團隊制作的，說實話，我感受過分了。我知道羅姆尼自稱跟他的“超級PAC”絕無通同，我們來看一下這段張揚告白吧。（播放競爭對手羅姆尼團隊制作的攻擊奧巴馬，我靠敢這樣公開抹黑現任總統）That’s pretty rough，but I can take it,because my stepfather always told me, its a boy-eat-dog world out there.
這一段太橫暴了，但我還能忍耐得住。因為我的繼父經常輔導我，這是個“童咬狗”的世界（自嘲被羅姆尼陣營暴光的6歲吃狗肉事宜，雙關諷刺對手“咬狗”）。Now, if I do win a second term as President, let me just say something to all the--let me just say something to all my conspiracy-oriented friendson the right who think I am planning to unleash some secret agenda:You are absolutely right. So allow me to close with a quick preview of the secret agenda you can expect in a second Obamaadministration.
目前，若是我真的博得蟬聯，我想告訴所有深嗜詭計論的右派同伙，你們認為我企圖進行某些隱秘計劃，你們說得一點沒錯。所以結尾部分我要預報一下在我的第二任期內將泛起的隱秘計劃。In my first term, I sang Al Green; inmy second term, Im going with Young Jeezy. Michelle said, yeah. Ising that to her sometimes. In my first term, we ended the war in Iraq; in my second term, I will win the war on Christmas. In my first term, we repealed the policy known as "dont ask, dont tell"-- wait, though;in my second term, we will replace it with a policy known as, its raining men. In my first term, we passed health carereform; in my second term, I guess Ill pass it again.
在我的第一任期我唱了Al Green的歌，在我的第二任期，我要唱Young Jeezy。米歇爾說：“好啊。”我有時間會給她唱。在我的第一任期我們竣事了伊拉克戰爭，在第二任期，我們會打贏“圣誕之戰”（共和黨上綱上線捏造的戰爭）。在我的第一任期，我們傾覆了“不問不說”政策（部隊的鄙視同性戀政策），先別急，在我的第二任期，我們會將此政策更換成“漫天基情”（典型的男同性戀歌曲）。在我第一任期，我們通過了醫保改革；在我的第二任期，我想我得再通過一次（共和黨企圖傾覆醫保改革）。I do want to end tonight on as lightly more serious note -- whoever takes the oath of office next January will face some great challenges, but he will also in herittraditions that make us greater than the challenges we face. And one of those traditions is represented here tonight: a free press that is not afraid to ask questions, to examine and to criticize.And in service of that mission, all of you make sacrifices. 
其實我想用端莊點的內容做今晚的結語，不管明年一月誰宣誓就任都會面對嚴峻的磨練，但他也會繼承使我們能克服磨練的傳統精力。今晚各位所代表的就是這樣的傳統精力。媒體自由讓我們不怕質疑，勇于調查，直言批判。而為了這樣的方針，你們所有人都做出了犧牲。Tonight, we remember journalists such as Anthony Shadid and Marie Colvin-- who made the ultimate sacrifice as they sought to shine a light on some of the most important stories of our time. So whether you are a blogger or a broadcaster, whether you take on powerful interests here at home or put yourself in harms way overseas, I have the greatest respect and admiration for what you do. I know sometimes you like to give me a hard time --and I certainly like to return the favor-- but I never forget that our country depends on you. You help protect our freedom, our democracy, and our way of life.
 今晚，讓我們來紀念像Anthony Shadid和Marie Colvin這樣的大膽記者（都是在國外報導時殉職），他們為了將當代最重大的新聞公諸于世付出了崇高的犧牲。所以不管你是博客作者還是媒體主播，不管你是在國內盡力報導還是在海外身處險境，我都對你們的事業表示最高的尊重和敬意。我知道有時間你們喜歡讓我難堪，我也非常想以牙還牙。但我從未忘掉我們的國家需要你們。你們幫我們捍衛自由、民主和我們的生活方式。（本次演講的精髓正題，標榜美國的民主媒體言論自由）And just to set the record straight,I really do enjoy attending these dinners. In fact, I had a lot more material prepared, but I have to get the Secret Service home in time for their new curfew.
最后說點直接的，我非常喜歡參加這樣的晚宴。我本來準備了很多段子，但我得讓特勤局特工們早點回家向老婆報到（自嘲特勤局特工集體招妓事件，此時鏡頭切換給毫無表情的總統保鏢們）。Thank you very much, everybody. Thankyou.
非常謝謝各位，謝謝！選自互聯網

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